What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Home Together

We have been home together since Wednesday night. I am so thankful that we can finally be together, Brandon, Aria and I. I feel complete again.

We had the opportunity to do a baby dedication last night. It was very important to Brandon and I to be able to dedicate Aria to God together and with Haley and David (Godparents) present, and God granted us that time and a lot of family were able to be there too.

We have been working on trying to make a few videos for Aria from Brandon. It's difficult to know what to say for her sweet 16 birthday, graduation, wedding and such when she is only 8 weeks old. It's heart wrenching.

This all feels so surreal. God is giving me the strength I am needing to get through. He may even be extending me some numbness, or I may just be in a level of shock. I am trying to just keep on keeping on, and be in the present, and not really allow myself to continually realize what is going on. I keep repeating that there will be plenty of time to grieve later, right now I need to soak up every moment with my husband. 

I am trying to embrace a Dr. Seuss saying that a kind arfcom-er sent to me: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". 

We have had so many visitors and supporters. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, holding Aria, bringing groceries. I didn't have to do a thing to figure out where the hospital bed would go or the furniture. 

I truly know the meaning of 'When I am weak, He is strong'. God promises this, and He has not forsaken me or Brandon. Brandon's strength through this is astonishing. He is ready to go home. 

I told him last night what the doctor had said to me, that she has always said 'If God saw me a good person, He would take me home from kidney disease'. He will just get more and more sleepy, no pain. This brought him a lot of comfort.

We, Brandon especially, are so grateful for all the support everyone has been showing us. The fundraiser, gifts in the mail, a raffle on Ar15.com, the sales from 50 special edition triggers, and more all are bringing so much more then monetary comfort at this time. Brandon is not worried about how the extensive medical bills will be paid. Hopefully I can start a small college fund for Aria that will grow with her. I will not go into serious debt from this. Knowing this, Brandon has found peace. So thank you, each and every one of you who has generously given to us, you have given a life changing gift to Brandon, myself and Aria.

I will update as I can. I am trying my hardest to hold it together, and writing about it takes me close to breaking, and I just can't do that yet. I need to be strong for Brandon and Aria. 

Please pray for comfort and peace for Brandon and strength for all of us. 

I continue to pray for a miracle, for complete earthly healing of his body. But I love him too much to pray for more time if he has to continue to suffer. It's a hard prayer to pray...

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