What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

...broken and tired, but yet inspired...

This season has been so trying, so exhausting, so convicting, yet so inspiring.  It's truly amazing to see what God can do with any situation.

I cringe to think where I would be emotionally if I were being drug through this season without my belief and faith in God.  I know that I would have no hope, I would be clothed in misery and fear.  I would be so angry.

But instead, I am blessed to walk through this season, and at times I even find myself skipping.  I have hope, I have faith, I believe in miracles completely.  I have been blessed to have experienced some miracles in my own life, which have strengthened my faith immeasurably.  I believe in prayer and God hearing our prayers and having mercy on His people in need.

At times I am miserable, but they are short lived because God makes Himself known to me, and comforts me and strengthens me.  Most of all though, I am fearful.  I am scared of what is next.  I am scared of what God may test us with tomorrow, and what trial and suffering we will have to endure for His will.  But at the same time, after the initial shock, we can delight in seeing that He is using us for something in his beautiful plan.  How blessed are those that get to be used by God?!  I feel humbled, I feel unworthy, I feel unable. But I also feel privileged.  And I just pray to God that for what ever tiny part I get to play in His works, that I do it to the best of my abilities, and glorify Him for working through me, because if it were left up to me, I would ruin it all.....

Oh Lord, my God,
I come to you unclean.
Covered inside and out
with the poison of my humanity.
     You have filled my heart
     with Your Spirit unseen
     and brought to light
     my nature of pride and vanity.

As I clothe myself
in your timeless Word,
I'd be ignorant
not to see,
     my perception is poisoned
     the line is blurred,
     by all
     that is of me.

My desperate grasp
on all that will not fill,
my seeking
my own way.
     Bring first to my eyes
     Your sovereign Will,
     And lead me
     so I will not stray.

I so desperately want
to overflow
with Your love
that can not be denied.
     I long to leave myself
     and righteously bestow
     Your compassion
     far and wide.

Every single day
I know I will be allured
with the desires
of my eyes,
     Please envelope me
     and allow me to be cured
     armored against the empty promises
     of the Devil's deceitful guise.

Of this I'm sure,
I will fail,
but I'm comforted
with one thing,
     That you sent your Son
     to unveil
     the barriers between
     your beloved and our King.

So I need not fear
my inadequacies,
You have forgiven
every one,
     Every day anew,
     another chance to seize
     to be a better reflection
     of Your Son.