What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Monday, October 1, 2012

A new direction

It has been a LONG time.

I have started this post many, many times, only to just close out the window without posting or saving.  My words were not God-given, my heart not in the right place.  I don't even know what I am going to write today, or if it too will just be typed and let go.

I look at my last post and I don't  know how to skip from there to here, or from then to now.  What is important to share?  Why am I even writing this 'blog' now?  I guess I still don't know, and I really don't know why anyone would read it.

I can tell you why I think this post may actually make it into cyberspace, and why the others didn't.  From a couple weeks into the journey of The Big "C" I felt God's presence so strongly, and I felt compelled to share our story of the process.  Not just what we were going through, but more importantly God's presence and guidance through that season in our life.  As I recently read over the entire 'Caringbridge' website and then this blog I am so happy to see that that, in fact, was the take away of our story.  

So why have I not updated since our triumph over Cancer?  Why did I throw away everything I wrote since then?  Because God was not in it.  

I vowed with everything in me that we would not let go of our minute-to-minute dependence on God if/when we made it through that battle.  That we had been touched too deeply to return to our old ways.  That God made Himself so present that we could never go back to needing Him less.

But I am human.  And I let all too many things draw me away from seeking God in praise, in wisdom and in need.

It has been a long season this time.  From July 2011 until September of this year.  Far too long to be separated from my God.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I didn't pull any Amish 'Rumspringa' type deal!  I did not go explore other religions, and I surely did not loose my faith.

I guess the only way I can explain it is that I stopped pursuing God for wisdom and guidance in my life.  I did not give my troubles to Him and I did not frequently seek Him in prayer, and when I did, it was halfhearted.  The sad thing is that on many occasions I knew that the ONLY thing that would help me in the depths of the depression I was in would be to give it to God, ask Him for help, and be willing to listen for his guidance, and yet I still didn't do it.

But God.  

He waited patiently for me to wake up, buck up and come back to Him, and as I knew all along, He has been FAITHFUL.  He is leading me out of this depression, and leading me right back to Him.  All of my efforts for the past year have been like running in place.  I was not standing still, I was trying so hard to break free, but going no where except towards exhaustion.  Until I finally broke down and honestly asked God for help, and asked Him what do I do?!

And for the first time in over a year, I asked, THEN LISTENED.

'You have to come to me first'.  I heard it loud and clear. 

That's it?!?!  Deep breath.  Moment of self reflection.  Yeah...I guess I have been coming to ME first...

Ok God.  I can do that.  I WILL do that.

And the past few weeks have been nothing like the past 60 some weeks.  And I can only thank God for leading me back home, where I can take this on.

I never thought coming out of Cancer would take me lower than being in it.  I also never thought that the burden we would bear at such a young age would be so heavily weighted by health issues in every direction.  From my long awaited diagnosis of Lupus that I had been suffering from since 2008 and a multitude of other stomach and anxiety issues, to Brandon's preventative treatment side effects, to my mom's now active Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma, to my Grandmother's battle with dementia to my Uncles recent diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer, to Brandon's Grandmother passing from a rare stomach cancer, and unfortunately the list goes on, both on my side of the family and Brandon's.

I don't know why God has allowed these challenges in this season, but I do know that God directed me to try to do something with it.  I still don't know what, but again, I feel directed to write about it.  I don't know why, because frankly I don't know what I am even supposed to write, but I do know that I am not feeling lead to delete this post as I have done every other I have tried to write since July of last year.

So, I'll keep on putting words on this screen til I feel God leads me to do something else more productive with my time and this experience. :) 

Thanks for reading, and I hope your time did not feel wasted, because I truly don't know if this pile of words is of any worth.