Today would have been Brandon and my 14 year wedding anniversary. Instead it’s my 5th anniversary without him.
It’s so very strange. It feels like the distance between he and I has grown so much more this 5th year. And as always it’s bittersweet. With the distance of time comes healing of wounds and the ability to incorporate loss into the actual living of life. But with it also comes the searching to remember the little things and the pain of trying to remember his voice.
Yet some things have not changed with this distance.
Speaking of my love for him never comes without a cracked voice and tears, no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And if you know me well you know that I am expressive, passionate and temperamental in nearly every emotion...but sadness. Sadness is deeply personal and private to me, and yet I can’t hide the effects of this sadness when the feelings rush to be felt.
Brandon’s legacy and the effect he had, correction...has on me has not changed. I am still inspired by his influence on my life. I have struggled greatly navigating these past 5 years. And so much of it was the loss of a sense of self. The first few years I concentrated on working through my grief, and I worked ALL THE THINGS. Counseling, Grief Share, support groups, books, podcasts, creating and facilitating a young and widowed group (still going strong and serving so many!), grief yoga, EMDR...you name it I likely tried it. And it all helped and would have been all the things Brandon, as a psychologist, would have encouraged a grieving widow to do. More recently I found a place in myself to examine myself, not my grief. In January God lead me to a class/group essentially about ownership of self. Really examining the depths of ourselves and owning who we are and challenging ourself to grow in knowledge of and confidence in oneself. This 18 week class and a weekend retreat has all been put on hold at the moment due to COVID-19, but what a breath of fresh air to step outside my situation, my grief, and see myself individually. Remember who I am, not who I’ve become through loss. And I know Brandon would be elated that I’m on this path now.
I never would have thought this journey would be like this. I think we hope that one day we will not “be sad” anymore, but for many (dare I say most) of us that is an impossibility. We can’t just wake up some morning and be “over it” or “ready to move on”. I will never be over the loss of Brandon. And we like to say we are “moving forward”, not moving on, because moving on suggests leaving something behind. This is not something I can leave behind, I carry it with me every day. And I can still say not a single day has passed that I have not thought of him. And I’m ok with that - because the majority are things don’t make me cry because it’s over, but instead make me smile because it happened.
I will always treasure the choice I made to marry Brandon 14 years ago today. And I will always remember the way that decision changed my life forever, for better or for worse.
And today I dedicate this song to my Brandon:
Lyrics:
One, two, three
And you've gone so far
Far from me
As I fall apart
If I had known the way I'd feel
Right from the start
I wouldn't change anything
But my broken heart
Four, five, six
This is killing me
What I miss most
Is everything
If I had known the way I'd feel
Right from the start
I wouldn't change anything
But my broken heart
I didn't know
Watching you go
Would ever be this hard
I close my eyes
And be by your side
Wondering where you are
If I had known then what I know
Now right from the start
I wouldn't change anything
But my broken heart
One, two, three
And you've gone so far
Far from me
Like the morning stars
If I had known the way I'd feel
Right from the start
I wouldn't change anything
But my broken heart
I wouldn't change anything
But my broken heart
