What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Well done my good and faithful servant

As most of you know, Brandon went to be with Jesus today. I lay here, completely exhausted, and unable to sleep, on his side of the bed. One of my best friends lays next to me.

The events of today just keep spinning in my mind. I can't believe this is real.

I have gone back and forth about what details to share, and what to treasure as only my own. Ultimately, there was a beauty to Brandon's passing that God is telling me to share.

We had worship music on, one of my favorite playlists. I had just finished showering and getting dressed and went to Brandon's bedside. How Great Thou Art by Carrie Underwood was playing.

This song has significance to us, and I felt lead to quietly sing along with it to Brandon as I held his hand. He always loved hearing me singing. (Not only is love blind, but it must be deaf too.)

Tears streamed down my face when the song was over as I quietly told him how much I loved him, and how grateful I am for the life we shared together . I reassured him that because of the love he showed to others, that Aria and I are so loved and supported that he did not have to worry about us. I told him that God will take care of us. I kissed his forehead and went to the other room.

A few minutes later I stepped out in the hall with my dad to make a phone call about having the oxygen and wheelchair picked up from the house. As I walked back in to get a pen, still on the phone and with my dad behind me, I noticed something was different.

I dashed to the bed, hastily hanging up the phone and tossing it, only to find that Brandon had passed. I lost it, angry at myself that I wasn't there. I had hardly left the room in two weeks, how could this happen?! My mom and Matt with Aria rushed into the room.

I was so upset that I was not holding his hand as he completed his calling here on earth. I am his wife, I needed to be with him for this, and I wasn't. I was on a stupid phone call.

Then suddenly I was filled with peace about it. This is how it was supposed to be. This was God's plan. This is how Brandon wanted it.

I truly believe that Brandon, selfless to his last moment, let go when he knew no one was in the room. He did not want us to experience those last moments which can be so difficult to see. Instead, we saw him at peace.

Friends and family surrounded us almost immediately. I have not had to think about anything, and I'm so grateful for that as I am in a daze. Halcyon Hospice took care of all the details, the faculty at Heritage Club cried with us.

My heart aches in a way I can not even describe, and I know the reality has not yet even set in.

Waking tomorrow will be difficult to say the least.

I go to bed tonight with an emptiness to my core. Yet, I have peace in this moment.

This path feels impossible, but I do know that God will guide me and carry me. He has provided for me through all of this, and many keep reminding me that He has a special heart for orphans and widows, and He will faithfully see me though the difficult journey ahead.

It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know I will get mad. I will feel forgotten. I will hate having to put one foot in front of the other. My miracle didn't happen. I will have to continue to live one day at a time, and trust God's plan.

Please continue to pray for us all as we face our tomorrow's without Brandon.

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