My heart hurts today. I feel like my hope bubble has popped. The reality is setting in.
Brandon is sleeping mostly now. This afternoon he woke numerous times in
a row and could see me in the sitting room talking. I went to him
immediately each time. After the third time I asked him what he needed,
and he asked me what was wrong. (He could see my East Coast attitude
coming out). I told him nothing was wrong, and he wouldn't accept that. I
told him it was nothing he needed to worry about. He got quiet and I
asked him if he was ok, and he said 'As long as it really is nothing I
have to worry about.' My precious Brandon, always protecting me and
worrying about me - even now. He has been resting peacefully since.
I think God has relieved him of most of the burden of this situation
mentally. When he asks what's going on I just tell him we are at a
recovery facility from his surgery. There are moments where he has said
something that insinuates that he knows, but more times it seems he
doesn't. But Brandon being who he is, has always internalized his
worries, so I don't really know - and I would never ask. The handful of
times I have had to answer his questions and deliver the news again
already have been enough. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I have been reading a book written by a friend of Brandon's cousin, who
lost her husband to cancer at 29, leaving behind her and 4 kids, the
youngest being a newborn, and it is truly ministering to my heart. I
feel so alone, like no one can possibly understand what I am facing
ahead. That I am going to be a burden on those around me as I pick up
the pieces of my life. But reading about her journey and knowing that
she made it through is giving me the hope I need. It seems impossible
right now. I am scared of the pain ahead and how long it will last. But
God got her through, and I know He will carry me too. I just know it
won't be easy. But I have Aria depending on me, and I can not let her
down. And God will not let me down.