What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Ignorant Bliss

My heart hurts today. I feel like my hope bubble has popped. The reality is setting in.

Brandon is sleeping mostly now. This afternoon he woke numerous times in a row and could see me in the sitting room talking. I went to him immediately each time. After the third time I asked him what he needed, and he asked me what was wrong. (He could see my East Coast attitude coming out). I told him nothing was wrong, and he wouldn't accept that. I told him it was nothing he needed to worry about. He got quiet and I asked him if he was ok, and he said 'As long as it really is nothing I have to worry about.' My precious Brandon, always protecting me and worrying about me - even now. He has been resting peacefully since.

I think God has relieved him of most of the burden of this situation mentally. When he asks what's going on I just tell him we are at a recovery facility from his surgery. There are moments where he has said something that insinuates that he knows, but more times it seems he doesn't. But Brandon being who he is, has always internalized his worries, so I don't really know - and I would never ask. The handful of times I have had to answer his questions and deliver the news again already have been enough. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I have been reading a book written by a friend of Brandon's cousin, who lost her husband to cancer at 29, leaving behind her and 4 kids, the youngest being a newborn, and it is truly ministering to my heart. I feel so alone, like no one can possibly understand what I am facing ahead. That I am going to be a burden on those around me as I pick up the pieces of my life. But reading about her journey and knowing that she made it through is giving me the hope I need. It seems impossible right now. I am scared of the pain ahead and how long it will last. But God got her through, and I know He will carry me too. I just know it won't be easy. But I have Aria depending on me, and I can not let her down. And God will not let me down.

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