Roller Coaster Ride

I keep praying for a miracle. I feel the need to give God options. I think this is very normal. Of course I start with complete earthly healing: from kidney failure, membranous nephropathy, cancer, blood clot and gastroporesis. Then I start with the options of 'or at least healing from this and that' because we can deal with the others. What a mind numbing process it is.


Lately I've just been praying praises and asking God to hear the unspoken cries of my heart for healing because I just can't pray them anymore. They have become robotic pleas from a heartbroken wife.


A miracle doesn't mean Brandon would necessarily jump out of bed and head out to golf, though it's no impossibility for God. But a miracle could also be a long road of slow recovery allowing for further treatment.


There are days when my hopes rise. Recently the swelling has been getting better. It still fluctuates easily, but it hasn't gotten worse in a while. It tickles your hopes. There are days when there are signs that point to any day now, then the next those signs are gone. I keep wanting Brandon to brush his teeth before bed to avoid dental issues because I have so much hope for a miracle and don't want him to need root canals. Its a little maddening.


The hospice team has been surprised on a few occasions to see him so weak, nearly unable to speak- only nodding or shaking his head, then the next day nibbling on bacon and drinking some orange juice with more light in his eyes and conversing lightly. His breathing seems so labored one day, then more at ease the next.


They say that though there are so many complications his heart is strong and though he may not be saying it, is likely having a hard home letting go because he has so much to live for. When we returned home from the hospital weeks ago he was ready to go to our heavenly home. He was so tired of the 9 week long fight that just got worse and worse. However, now that his pain is managed he has changed his tune. But I don't know how much is clear thinking as the heavy medications and kidney toxins can present confusion which we have seen. Though the times of clarity are more then confusion, and they are priceless. Aria by far produces the most smiles and responses from Brandon.


Please continue to pray for a miracle. I keep hoping that soon we can tuck away all the memorial service plans, and save the cemetery plot for 50 years from now. Be able to tell Brandon that we chose the spot by the lit up cross on the foothill near our house, the cross he always loved to see on our drive home. Please God....


We all continue to thank you for your support and following our journey.


Prayers for continued comfort for Brandon, miraculous healing, and supernatural strength for all of us who need to be Brandon's strength and positive light.