What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Walk by Faith

Yesterday was two weeks since Brandon passed away. Gosh it feels like so much longer. The ache gets worse every day. I don't know at what point it starts getting better, not worse. From what I hear it will be a long time.

I've started looking into things to help me through. Books and support groups. Bereavement counseling. Guides for widows and single mothers. Yet another set of vocabulary I never wanted to be familiar with.

I have never in my life had to COMPLETELY walk by faith before. A lot of times it seems we only do when we have no other choice left. It's a scary yet magical experience. But as I look back over these past 3 1/2 months of walking by faith alone, I can say without a doubt that God was right there walking with me. He provided for my needs in His absolute perfect timing. (That's a whole different post sometime).

In this walk I have many moments where fear overtakes me. How I am going to be a single mother with Lupus? How do I be a fun parent? Brandon was the one who could be silly and carefree, and I am the disciplinarian. How will I learn to be both for Aria? How do I go on without Brandon's love and support? How do I live the majority of my life without him? These fears circle my mind constantly. The littlest things, a picture on FB, a commercial of a daddy and daughter, a love song, all start a domino effect of fear, reality, pain, sorrow, envy, anger, confusion. But I try to always end on Faith.

So far it's been challenging. Sometimes I have immediate peace for the future. Sometimes I have to work for it. I have to remind myself of all the ways God has already provided for me and how much worse this situation could have been, but God loves me so much and he met my needs in every way and will not stop now. He has a special heart for widows and orphans. I have to remain strong in faith and hope in that.

Brandon always said we have little control over our situation, but we have complete control over our actions and reactions to our situation. It all comes down to perspective.

And the perspective I have to constantly choose is to walk by faith. It's terrifying to surrender the map you drew up of your life and give it to God. But the magical part is when you can look back at what you just came through and see where God aligned everything just perfectly. Often at the last minute and in no way how you would have done it, but perfect nonetheless.

So when those fears consume me the only choice I have is to surrender them and put one foot in front of the other down His path, not mine. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I sometimes wander off on my own, but God has always led me back.

Please pray for continued strength and peace and the ability to walk by faith. I truly believe that I am hanging on by your prayers that are carrying me through.

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