What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Not where I belong

My parents and I went up to the burial site today. It was a beautiful sunny day, unlike the day of his service. The warm breeze blew through the memorial site, giving good reason for the area's name 'Whispering Pines'. It was so serene.

Fittingly, Building 429's song 'Where I belong' played on the radio on the mile and a half drive up Mt Lindo.


'Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You

When the lights fade I wanna be found in You'

It's a shame that it takes tragedy often to get one to that perspective. When we feel an earthly loss so great the only thing we can do is look forward to completing our own job here on earth to get to the other side. The eternal side. The side with no more pain and no more suffering. The only thing we'll loose there is our sin and all the baggage that comes with it. Knowing this calms my heart.

Despite this peace, I expect this to get harder, not easier.

As I hit a golf ball into the trees at the site today it hit me that the last time I swung a golf club we were in ignorant bliss, together, having no idea what turmoil lay ahead of us.

I wish so bad I can go back to those days where all our dreams lay ahead of us and not be in this reality of crushed dreams and bittersweet moments with our daughter.

I feel like I am just trudging through life, collecting the days without Brandon in a trash bag that I am dragging behind me. And yet, as I mourn death, I am also embracing the fascinating new life in Aria. It's so hard to toggle between these emotions.
This is not where I belong. I have clung to this truth to get me through so far. I feel numb to the world right now. Nothing matters much other then the people in it.
God has given me unimaginable strength and peace throughout this whole ordeal. Even now, though I am walking around in a numb fog, I have peace. I can't explain it. And the only credit I can take is for receiving it. None of this is of me. It is all of your prayers and God hearing those prayers and giving me grace and mercy.

So I remind myself yet again 'One day at a time', and try to remember that God made me for this purpose. I will somehow get through, but ultimately, this is not where I belong. And that gives me hope.

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