This is Grief

A lot of my posts I wait to write until I am seeing things more optimistically or I have been inspired or am feeling lifted up.


I don't know what I am about to write, God just put it on my heart to write as I a sit in 'darkness' this time.


Many days I try to just focus on the fact that many people have told me how our story has impacted their lives. Inspired their marriage. Redefined their faith. This uplifts me in indescribable ways. It makes me feel there is purpose to this suffering.


If we get to walk this earth and effect the life of just one person, pointing them towards God, then in my eyes we have accomplished the meaning of life. If we get the chance to be used by God to touch many more, then we truly are blessed.


I have spent most of my days this past month since Brandon has been gone focusing on Heaven. Reading scripture and stories, imagining what Brandon is seeing and doing. Consuming my thoughts with his joy, not my pain. Knowing that he is eagerly anticipating my arrival someday.


With a daughter to raise on my own, I have been trying so incredibly hard to find joy in the day amid the emptiness in my heart. Find more 'sweet' in every bittersweet moment. Show her laughter and smiles, and interact with her when all I want to do is sleep the days away in a dreamless slumber.


But no matter how hard you try, there are just days that none of it works. Days that you can't wait til the sun has set and you can count yet another day behind you, and one closer to that glorious reunion. Days that thoughts of Heaven only magnify the misery of this life. Days that no words of encouragement can penetrate the cloud of depression and fear that has clung to your innermost being.


Today was one of those days. For no reason at all. It isn't an anniversary or holiday. Nothing in particular 'set me off'. It's just another day without my husband.


So, I'll remind myself that every day His mercies are new, and hope that tomorrow I'll better receive His blessings.


This is grief.