As I lay in bed, unable to sleep I decided to poke through my notes and delete old grocery lists and to-do lists.
I came across this note from January 10th, the beginning of my second trimester:
"Tonight I was absently thinking about the new chapter that lies ahead
of Brandon and I. Lord willing, one kiddo in July and hopefully another
in a few years. My mind trailed off to this dream future I was
imagining, then all of the sudden I was hit with the dreadful thought of
'reality'. My mind spun off to all the 'what if's': What if Cancer
comes back? What would that look like with a child? What if I am a
single mother? What if my Mom's cancer progresses soon? What if my lupus
gets worse and I can't care for my family? What if it all happens at
I started to panic and wonder if this desire to start a family was
foolish b/c all of this is very possible. Why would I dare to dream of
And all the sudden I just felt this wave of calm come over me and I
realized that if I lived in that fear until the day that any or all of
it happens, I would be robbing myself of the joy in today. Yes, we need
to be aware of the reality of our situations, but it does us no good to
live in that and steal the opportunity for us to be hopeful of the
possibilities in our lives. God will provide and He has a plan, no
matter how much I worry now.
I have enjoyed dreaming of our future and how I hope it looks."
Wow - that one took my breath away. It's funny how your own words can
minister to your heart sometimes. God gave me that wave of calm and the
thought to jot it down at 1:52 am on January 10th, probably knowing that
not too far off I would need this reminder of His love. I needed that
tonight and wanted to share, maybe someone else needs that reminder
right now too.