What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Monday, October 20, 2014

A note from myself

As I lay in bed, unable to sleep I decided to poke through my notes and delete old grocery lists and to-do lists.

I came across this note from January 10th, the beginning of my second trimester:

"Tonight I was absently thinking about the new chapter that lies ahead of Brandon and I. Lord willing, one kiddo in July and hopefully another in a few years. My mind trailed off to this dream future I was imagining, then all of the sudden I was hit with the dreadful thought of 'reality'. My mind spun off to all the 'what if's': What if Cancer comes back? What would that look like with a child? What if I am a single mother? What if my Mom's cancer progresses soon? What if my lupus gets worse and I can't care for my family? What if it all happens at once?

I started to panic and wonder if this desire to start a family was foolish b/c all of this is very possible. Why would I dare to dream of that life?

And all the sudden I just felt this wave of calm come over me and I realized that if I lived in that fear until the day that any or all of it happens, I would be robbing myself of the joy in today. Yes, we need to be aware of the reality of our situations, but it does us no good to live in that and steal the opportunity for us to be hopeful of the possibilities in our lives. God will provide and He has a plan, no matter how much I worry now.

I have enjoyed dreaming of our future and how I hope it looks."

Wow - that one took my breath away. It's funny how your own words can minister to your heart sometimes. God gave me that wave of calm and the thought to jot it down at 1:52 am on January 10th, probably knowing that not too far off I would need this reminder of His love. I needed that tonight and wanted to share, maybe someone else needs that reminder right now too.

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