Where have you been?

Where have you been? How are things going? Are you OK?

Honestly, I don't even know how to answer those simple questions anymore.

This journey is the hardest most confusing path I have ever walked in my life.

They say there is no right or wrong way to "do grief". 

There is no formula for how to do this. 1 therapy session a week + 1 support group + 3 self help books = healed! Nope. I wish.

Instead you fumble your way through each day, each "phase", each trigger date, each milestone of months passed and wonder, did I do that right?

We each do what we need to do to get through, but in grief we are often very critical of ourselves and it makes it even harder. But the reality is that I have no idea how to "do this", other then to survive it.

I really was doing it well for a while there. But I knew that one day that would come crashing down, I just didn't know when and I didn't know what it would look like. And then it happened. I spiraled into darkness and chaos for a while. 

Slowly I've been finding my way to steadier ground but not without some battle wounds, however I'm pretty sure that's just how life goes.

So where have I been and how are things going? 

Honestly, I've been searching for myself. Not only did I loose my spouse, but I lost myself, my identity. Two became one, so when Brandon died I felt like I lost half of me and all of my future.  He was my security and my confidence and truly my better half. And at the same time I have to also adjust to the new role of mother...actually single mother. 

I've spoken with numerous other widow/widowers and this is very common to not only miss our spouse, but miss ourselves. Yes, I miss me too. I want to find her again. I used to like her. Now it's like I am desperately searching for someone but I don't even know who I am looking for.

I have been trying to rest in the fact that God knows who I am, and I am not my grief, my insecurities or my mistakes. I am simply broken, and I am loved for exactly who I am. A child of God who is hurting and finding her way through this loss, and that is OK. I am loved and covered in grace. 

So wish me luck as I continue to "find my new normal", "put the pieces of life back together" and "keep on keepin' on", "one day at a time" - and all those other cliche (but true) sayings.


*I want to share some beautiful moments from Brandon's birthday and first Angelversary soon, so be on the lookout for another update soon (hopefully!).