I sit here today doing my best to embrace constantly opposing feelings.
Since the beginning of October Aria and I have been staying in
Pennsylvania with my parents. I didn't know if I would need to stay 3
weeks or 3 months, but I knew I needed the refuge of my family and time
I woke this morning with excitement. For the first time in months I did not have disturbing and tormented nightmares all night long.
So as I emerged from my sleep I woke in an alternate reality. I knew I
was heading home to Colorado tomorrow, and my heart fluttered as I
thought 'I can't wait to get home and see Brandon again!' as if I were
just visiting without him. A couple blinks of my eyes then I'm suddenly
overtaken with what feels like my heart stopping and my soul dropping to
the floor. My breath falls short and my throat tightens as I yet again
accept reality. I am going home to a life without Brandon. I now am
overcome with dread.
The ridiculous part is that this happens over and over every day. However, it always seems most confusing first thing in the morning.
Why does my mind torment me like this? I imagine it's part of the
'process'. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, realizing the devastation a
little bit at a time over and over because our hearts are not able to
take it all at once.
I know that I need to return to our home, and start to rebuild my life
piece by broken piece. The longer I put it off the longer I sit in this
limbo of wondering how hard it is going to be.
I remember someone telling me that sometimes the anticipation of what is to come is worse then it coming to be.
Again opposing feelings. I highly doubt my worry is worse then my
reality. I have only begun to think of the challenges that I now face
between grief and single motherhood. But then God gives me peace as I do
my best to rest in His word that every day His mercies are new (Lam
3:22-23) and '...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' (Matt 6:34). Or
in short I guess you can say 'One day at a time'.
So maybe there is some truth to that statement because while worrying
about what is to come I am carrying the weight of not only today's
challenges, but tomorrow's as well.
Am I ready to face our home, full of memories and empty of my husband?
Am I ready to take on single motherhood in a house alone? Am I ready to
let the reality of my new normal set in?
No. I'll never be 'ready' for this. But I have to face it. I have to let
the quiet pierce my heart and feel what I have been keeping at bay
since June 27th.
So as I pack up my bags I feel anxious leaving the safety of my
temporary respite, but relief in knowing that I am returning to the
loving support of family and friends. I feel scared to take these steps
into the unknown, but assured that the time has come to do so.
For when I am weak, then I am strong:
'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is
made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why,
for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
2 Cor 12:9-10
We so often misquote that scripture, I know I have. 'For when I am weak, He
is strong'. No, He is ALWAYS strong. It's when I have nothing left and
stop trying to do it myself, and allow the Spirit to take over in me, then I am strong, because He is reigning in me.
truthfully, I have no choice but to continue to put my faith to the
test, seek my strength from Him and trust God to guide and provide for
my needs. Trust in uncertainty.
I would truly appreciate your prayers for peace beyond understanding,
strength to face each challenge that will come and to find hope in every
day that will carry me to the next. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
...Oh and prayers for
good travels tomorrow. No fussy baby, and no travel delays or
cancellations! (Thankfully my mom is traveling with Aria and I, and
staying for a few days to get me settled back in.)