What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

A homecoming update

I am a bit tired, so forgive my lack of 'finesse' in this post. It's been a busy week, and as much as I want to just lay in bed and watch a little tv and drift off to sleep, I want to send out a little update more. I know many have been praying for my transition back home and are genuinely concerned for how I am holding up. I know that if I don't do it now, as the little one is in bed asleep, it will probably be a while before I have the time to get anything written.

Well, I can say that I have put one foot in front of the other. That's an achievement.

I have moments where I just still can't believe that this has happened to my life, to my husband, to Aria's father. To a son, a brother, a friend. To Brandon. I have to sit and look at a picture and tell myself that I will never feel his hand hold mine again. I try to remember what that even felt like. It feels so long ago. I struggle to remember his voice and his mannerisms. I feel like it's all so foggy. I look at the pictures and I feel like I'm looking upon a life that was not my own.

I spend a lot of time just wondering what it would have been like to watch him being a father. I feel like even the best I can imagine would have paled in comparison to how he would have been in that role. This is where I get the most upset as I long to know that part of Brandon.

The rest of the time I guess I am just in survival mode. I move from task to task robotically. I try to stay distracted. This has not been too hard to do with the demands of caring for an infant alone, keeping up the house, running errands, taking care of all the aftermath of the past 5 months, transitioning back into work, researching part time child care options, finding and lining up support groups, attempting to find a few minutes each day to myself....blah, blah, blah, the list goes on.

Despite the challenges I guess I can say I am holding up better then I expected. Though I can take no credit of my own here. God has given me the strength of David vs. Goliath, at least that's what I felt I was up against in coming home.

Additionally, He has carried me from minute to minute through the support of so many people. I am continually blown away by the time, resources and thought that so many have selflessly given to me. I feel very unworthy. And I know you will say I shouldn't feel that way, but I can not even begin to express how much has been done for me.

Like I've said before, I have no idea what our loved ones in Heaven get to know about the happenings in this world, but I like to think that they now see the big picture and celebrate when God's promises come to pass. So with every single act of love you have shown me, I imagine Brandon rejoicing in a way our minds can not even comprehend for how God is using you to care for Aria and I, Brandon's most desperate prayer. Thank you for giving us that gift, all three of us.

I have been praying for God to open my heart to accept the love of being a mother. Please do not misunderstand this statement. I love our daughter; unconditionally and with my whole heart. But it's hard to express how difficult it is to experience such love and such pain at the same time. Every adorable little baby thing she does that melts my heart carries with it such pain that Brandon is not in these moments with us. Our minds are not equipped to balance such polarizing emotions. It has felt like my senses have been dulled so that I do not fully feel the heights of the joy so that I also don't completely feel the depths of the pain that accompany it.

Thankfully God has been answering that prayer and I have begun to find lasting joy and fulfillment without immediate pain and emptiness. Aria and I are becoming quite the team. She has no clue how much she is blessing my life in this time.

I have so many people continually checking on me. You have no idea the worth of your messages to me right now. I sincerely apologize that I have not been able to get back to everyone. Please know that I read most messages right away, and often they are just what I needed at that moment. To not feel forgotten or alone. I hope to respond as soon as I can, even though it's not nearly as soon as I would want it to be.

I need to get some rest, but thank you for your love and support. I think of the kindness of my family, friends, neighbors, strangers, ARFCOM family, Quakertown Community, Church Communities, CaringBridge Followers, friends of friends, and so many more DAILY. I am humbled and beyond gracious.

I'd like to end with a quick prayer request. Please pray that Aria adapts quickly to being comfortable with others again. My time away, though needed, has made her very attached to me.

Thank you and God bless!

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