I am a bit tired, so forgive my lack of 'finesse' in this post. It's been a busy week, and as much as I want to just lay in bed and watch a little tv and drift off to sleep, I want to send out a little update more. I know many have been praying for my transition back home and are genuinely concerned for how I am holding up. I know that if I don't do it now, as the little one is in bed asleep, it will probably be a while before I have the time to get anything written.
Well, I can say that I have put one foot in front of the other. That's an achievement.
I have moments where I just still can't believe that this has happened
to my life, to my husband, to Aria's father. To a son, a brother, a
friend. To Brandon. I have to sit and look at a picture and tell myself
that I will never feel his hand hold mine again. I try to remember what
that even felt like. It feels so long ago. I struggle to remember his
voice and his mannerisms. I feel like it's all so foggy. I look at the
pictures and I feel like I'm looking upon a life that was not my own.
I spend a lot of time just wondering what it would have been like to
watch him being a father. I feel like even the best I can imagine would
have paled in comparison to how he would have been in that role. This is
where I get the most upset as I long to know that part of Brandon.
The rest of the time I guess I am just in survival mode. I move from
task to task robotically. I try to stay distracted. This has not been
too hard to do with the demands of caring for an infant alone, keeping
up the house, running errands, taking care of all the aftermath of the
past 5 months, transitioning back into work, researching part time child
care options, finding and lining up support groups, attempting to find a
few minutes each day to myself....blah, blah, blah, the list goes on.
Despite the challenges I guess I can say I am holding up better then I
expected. Though I can take no credit of my own here. God has given me
the strength of David vs. Goliath, at least that's what I felt I was up
against in coming home.
Additionally, He has carried me from minute to minute through the
support of so many people. I am continually blown away by the time,
resources and thought that so many have selflessly given to me. I feel
very unworthy. And I know you will say I shouldn't feel that way, but I
can not even begin to express how much has been done for me.
Like I've said before, I have no idea what our loved ones in Heaven get
to know about the happenings in this world, but I like to think that
they now see the big picture and celebrate when God's promises come to
pass. So with every single act of love you have shown me, I imagine
Brandon rejoicing in a way our minds can not even comprehend for how God
is using you to care for Aria and I, Brandon's most desperate prayer.
Thank you for giving us that gift, all three of us.
I have been praying for God to open my heart to accept the love of being
a mother. Please do not misunderstand this statement. I love our
daughter; unconditionally and with my whole heart. But it's hard to
express how difficult it is to experience such love and such pain at the
same time. Every adorable little baby thing she does that melts my
heart carries with it such pain that Brandon is not in these moments
with us. Our minds are not equipped to balance such polarizing
emotions. It has felt like my senses have been dulled so that I do not
fully feel the heights of the joy so that I also don't completely feel
the depths of the pain that accompany it.
Thankfully God has been answering that prayer and I have begun to find
lasting joy and fulfillment without immediate pain and emptiness. Aria
and I are becoming quite the team. She has no clue how much she is
blessing my life in this time.
I have so many people continually checking on me. You have no idea the
worth of your messages to me right now. I sincerely apologize that I
have not been able to get back to everyone. Please know that I read most
messages right away, and often they are just what I needed at that
moment. To not feel forgotten or alone. I hope to respond as soon as I
can, even though it's not nearly as soon as I would want it to be.
I need to get some rest, but thank you for your love and support. I
think of the kindness of my family, friends, neighbors, strangers,
ARFCOM family, Quakertown Community, Church Communities, CaringBridge
Followers, friends of friends, and so many more DAILY. I am humbled and
I'd like to end with a quick prayer request. Please pray that Aria
adapts quickly to being comfortable with others again. My time away,
though needed, has made her very attached to me.
Thank you and God bless!