What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Friday, April 1, 2011

...if the walls could talk...

It's funny, because as I got into writing my testimony on my first post, I had to close my eyes and search for triggers that brought me back to certain times.  One trigger was the walls of my bedroom at my parents house.  They literally took me back and talked to me.

As I sank deeper into those memories it reminded me of how I used to write 'poetry' when I was younger. By no means did I excel in this area, my writings were quite juvenile, but they still take me back to those times.  I pulled them out read them just now.  

My heart broke for who I was.  I felt a bit of an 'out of body' experience, looking back at myself writing on my bed drowning in misery.  I hurt for myself for not having God to go through that with.  Not having anywhere to find hope or peace or forgiveness.

I want to put a few on here.  I don't really know why...other than because it is a constant reminder to myself of what pain and misery is like without a relationship with God.  My hurt is so deep in the season that we are currently in, but yet I see this hurt in such a different light as I see the hurt I felt 8 years ago...

I gave
my heart
and you took it with you when we part.
I cried
so long
tried as hard as I could to be strong.
I felt
so alone
what I was left with was completely unknown.
So I broke
your trust
by doing something totally unjust.
I lied
to you
the one person I never wanted to lie to.
And I'm the one
to blame
deserving every ounce of my shame.

Drowning in my own self pity,
I have no way out,
It's too late to save me now,
Always filled with doubt.
Never again will be let down,
Keeping my hopes low,
Save my thoughts for myself
Won't let my feelings show.
But yet my pain feels good,
I bask in my misery.
Take comfort in my tears,
My only security.

If I wasn't looking for you,
I may have found you by now.
If I wasn't listening for you,
I may have heard you somehow.
If I wasn't longing for your touch,
I may have felt you near me.
If I wasn't waiting for you,
I may have found you already.

She stands there helpless
     as her relationship dies,
Silently screaming out
     her desperate cries.
Her pain inside
     she can not disguise
As tears fall like raindrops
     flooding her eyes.
"It's not my fault"
     to her self she denies,
Though deep inside 
     the truth isn't hard to recognize.  
She watches in horror
     as his love for her simplifies,
Though her love for him
     only intensifies.

with my thoughts
that invade my head.
No comfort, but fear instead.
in my loneliness,
surrendering my pride.
I now have nothing but emptiness inside.
every part of me.
Anything beautiful hurts too much to see.
every heart beat.
Without you here, my life is incomplete.

I look back on these poems, just a few of the book full of them that I have, and I find it so interesting.  To look back on words, thoughts, feelings that were so intense to me at the time that I can feel the pain I felt then.  

And to look back, now being married to Brandon for 5 years, is odd.  I was certain that I had lost him forever at that time in my life. It shows me that God was working on us back then.  I don't think that God had it in His plan for me to go and mess it all up.  Not at all.  We often wonder if it was God's plan to have us together from 2003 on.  Maybe.  But I chose to make poor decisions, and I believe that God allowed me to make those mistakes and pay the consequences.  Unfortunately, Brandon had to get caught in my mess.  

But God gave us another chance, and He made it beautiful.  It was never perfect, nor will it ever be.  Some scars don't ever completely heal, and some are re-opened, but through our joint love for God, we have healed many of our wounds, and continue to nurse the others.  We can approach our past with grace, truth and forgiveness.

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