13 Year Anniversary

Today would have been Brandon and my 13 year Anniversary. 

Each anniversary seems a bit different.  This year I had to do the math to know how many years we would have been celebrating today.  I didn't "just know" anymore.

There's sadness in that.  And legitimately so.  I would have known that before he died, and each year since he died I did "just know".  This year was the first time I didn't. 

I allow myself to let the tears fall.  Fall for the loss of a love, a life, a dream. 

And I let them fall for the reality of what moving forward is.

It's letting go of enough to take on the new life I am living, but holding on to enough to preserve the memories.

It's a hard balance. 

But it's also ok.  It means I am healing.  I am moving forward. 

I've worked hard to be able to hold both truths at once. 

I can be sad about the loss of what would have been, and also be grateful for what was and for where I am now.  They can exist in the same space.

I don't get lost in grief everyday anymore, and the special dates don't cause me anxiety anymore.  I've learned to make space for these feelings and let them be felt when they need to, then keep on keeping on.

So I take some time today to sit in the memories, look through the pictures, and remember March 25th, 2006, knowing we fulfilled the vows made on this day, 13 years ago.