What is this?

What is this? I don't really know, other then a continuation of my updates and writings that I was sharing previously on Caringbridge of this journey through cancer and now widowhood and single parenting.

Maybe it won't end up being anything at all, or maybe it will be a glimpse into my heart, my life, my current situation, my testimony.

Whatever it becomes, I am touched that you are interested.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A new year ahead

As we are about to enter a new year I have such mixed feelings.

Part of me is like, 'Good riddens year from hell'. But the moment that thought crosses my mind I am struck with the realization that this year didn't only bring indescribable heartache, it also brought indescribable love.

I don't want the year 2014 to always have this gut wrenching initial reaction. In reality it was bittersweet. It held the best and the worst moments of my life.

This year brought me the the greatest test my faith has ever seen. When everything in my world shook and fell, I discovered where I found my balance.

2014 brought both the first and the last memories of Brandon with our daughter. Dreams were realized, and dreams were shattered.

In it we made our final memories as husband and wife. It brought a new meaning to our vows we made over 8 years ago.

It showed me the strength in a 'village' of support, and humbled me by the love and selflessness of strangers, friends and family.

As I look ahead to 2015, I don't even consider coming up with a resolution this year. In years passed, successful resolutions were: to start recycling (2012), to continue making better environmental choices (2013), make better healthy choices (2014). But honestly, I just don't feel like giving myself any more challenges right now!

My Aunt suggested something she has been doing the past few years; choosing a word to inspire or direct your year. I like this idea.

Immediately the word PERSEVERE came to my mind. As I thought on it more I contemplated lots of other words, but this one just fits.

2015 will be a year of a lot of firsts. The first Wedding Anniversary, Valentine's Day, birthday, family vacation and so much more without Brandon. Aria's first steps, first birthday, and first words. Brandon's first Angelversary.

It's hard to face these events. But I'll do my best to focus on my word for this year ahead.

Persevere: to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.

Maybe you'll join me in also choosing a word for 2015? I'd love to know what will be guiding you this year! Share in the comments below.

I wish you all a safe New Years, God Bless.


  1. What a great idea! The word that immediately popped into my head was HONOR.

    Honor used as a verb according to Merriam-Webster: to regard or treat (someone) with respect and admiration : to show or give honor to (someone).

    I will aspire to honor those around me, as well as all those I come in contact with this year. I will do my best too Christina :)

    Thank you for continuing to post! It is always good to see updated pics of Aria (she is so adorable) and hear what is happening in your journey <3

    Much love!

  2. Dear Christina,
    What a trooper you are. What a blessing you have a piece of your husband that you will always have to treasure in your daughter! I cannot imagine what you must be trying to understand in being such a young widow and having been though so much with your husband in such a short time in your marriage. Praise God He is such a gracious and compassionate friend to us in times when we just feel like throwing up our hands and saying - "what is this? how do I handle this? how do I go on?" May you maintain a heart of shalom/peace and be sustained by His grace every day. My life was touched by cancer, and to this day I don't have the answers to why my life got spared and so, so many don't have that opportunity. All I know is God has an ultimate plan in everything He does and allows. May He open His heart to you and give you understanding and everything you need for every day.

    From my heart to yours - Melanie Bantseev

  3. Thank you both for your lovely comments <3

  4. Christina, I feel really sorry for everything you have been going through lately. I just don't know if you and Brandon made the right decision when you decided to have a baby. I think it's a bit careless, if not immoral, to conceive a child when you were fully aware of this gene mutation predisposing to cancer that Brandon's family has. A 50% chance of transmiting this gene to a baby is just too high. I hope Aria didn't inhert it.
    Can you imagine yourself going through this hell of cancer but with your daughter? I hope it never happens but unhappily it's a possibility.

    Please don't take me bad Christina. I wish you well. I am just saying what I think.

  5. I recommend you this christian book about the ethics of procreation.



Thank you for sharing your thoughts!