I've mentioned God's perfect timing numerous times, and I want to
finally explain a little how I have seen His provisions come at just the
right time. Sometimes it was long before needed by preparing my heart
or my situation for what was to come, and sometimes it was in the 11th
hour as I barely held on to the hope. Other times it took a few steps or
a few thousand steps away to look back and see just how perfect His
timing was. It really makes me wonder how many things big and small have
such significance, but we are just too close this side of Heaven to see
the beauty and intricacy of His plan. I truly believe we are blessed
when God gives us eyes to look upon something and clearly see His divine
hands at work. And yet, if we take the time to really look - His
fingerprints are often right there, clear as day.
I thought to write of all the instances I could recall since our journey with the big 'C' started, but it just got too long.
So Ill just start with the summer of 2011 once Brandon was in remission.
It was only 3 short days before my health started struggling. It took 8
months and numerous doctors to get a lupus diagnosis, and the next 2+
years of medication trial and error to get the lupus somewhat 'under
control'. But God's timing allowed me to be the caretaker for Brandon
when he needed it, then for him to be mine when I needed it. Yeah, I
could look at it from a different perspective, as I did for quite a
while, and say, 'What the heck God?!? First cancer, now Lupus? Why have
you forsaken me?!' But instead I now see how merciful He was to allow
one, then the other - not both at once, if cancer and lupus were both
going to happen regardless.
Not only did God give us that gift of timing, but he also gave us a gift
of empathy for each other through our health challenges. We often said
that in a sense, both of us having to struggle with chronic illness was a
blessing in disguise that brought us closer as a couple. We both
understood the difference between 'being tired' and 'fatigue'. We both
had limitations on our daily lives that many others just can't
understand - especially at our age. And we never got resentful toward
the other because of what we no longer could do. Instead we embraced it
and invested in a comfy family room that we spent a lot of our 'illness'
days just cuddling in together.
As we prayed about starting a family, of course our greatest concern was
of Brandon's cancer returning. Every couple of months we would
reevaluate. Is it time? No, not yet. Then suddenly we both knew it was
time. At two years cancer free, and with the doctor's feeling confident
in his response to the treatment, we felt God giving us the confidence
to start the next chapter of our lives. As my father-in-law had said, we
had lived in fear of cancer for so long, we were like turtles finally
poking our heads out of our protective shell. In November of 2013 we
were overjoyed to find out we were expecting.
As I look back now, this is precisely when Brandon's health started
concerning us more then it had in the previous 2 1/2 years. The weekend
before I found out I was pregnant we actually had an ambulance ride and
hospital admittance due to what we thought was Avastin related kidney
issues. (Probably was even though tests were inconclusive at the time.)
Had this happened just a month sooner, we likely would have put our
family planning on hold. But God's timing is perfect, and we believe
that His plan was for Aria to be in this world, and worked everything
accordingly.
God allowed for Brandon's health issues to be a nuisance enough that we
pursued answers, but not so much that Brandon could not take care of me
during my high risk pregnancy. I needed A LOT of help, and Brandon
lovingly took care of me.
I am quite independent and don't like to trouble other people for
something I am fully capable of doing myself, so Brandon enjoyed me not
resisting his 'silver platter treatment' for once in our relationship. I
didn't argue when he wanted to drop me off at the door, or carry things
for me, or make me a hot bath to soak in.
I got to a point from about 20 weeks on where I only had about 2 hours
of the day that I could be on my feet due to the lupus pain and fatigue.
During this time Brandon drove me everywhere, ran all errands and
selflessly cared for me.
In the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy I got a burst of energy and all the
sudden felt great. Yes, nesting - but I also believe God's timing. In
this time Brandon was actively pursuing answers to his not feeling well
and had lots of doctors appointments, labs and tests.
When I was almost 38 weeks pregnant we got that horrible phone call that
the PET scan showed activity, and just 4 days later Aria came along.
And again, timing. If we had gotten the news any earlier in my pregnancy
we would have started chemo and that whole process that was the first
domino being tipped and Brandon would have missed the birth of his
daughter from being bedridden or hospitalized. But God allowed for us to
have that experience together. It didn't have to be that way, but I
believe He blessed us with that gift.
Was my labor and delivery perfect? Absolutely not. Brandon was checked
into the ER for the first 4 hours of my labor. But God had put it on our
hearts to hire a doula for my labor, even though I planned for an
epidural. Many doulas work primarily with non medicated births. So when
Brandon was admitted downstairs, I at least had our doula, a familiar
face, with me and I was not alone.
Once Brandon was released and able to join me, I had already had the
epidural and was feeling quite good. I again feel this was timing. In
the condition that Brandon was in, I don't think he would have handled
seeing me in that amount of pain very well. I kinda think God spared him
that with all he was already enduring, considering that he almost
passed out a couple years ago when I had blood drawn and became a human
pin cushion for the nurse. This was after his full sleeve tattoo,
numerous surgeries and chemo; he was no wuss. But to see me in any pain
or discomfort nearly broke him.
For a first pregnancy I was very lucky, with being in labor only 7 1/2
hours. Not many women go into labor from their water breaking, as I did,
and I consider myself blessed. With both of our illnesses and the
stress we carried with the devastating news it sure was amazing that we
were not also enduring 18-24 hours of labor.
At this time we also did not know definitively the extent of the cancer.
Brandon was scheduled for his biopsies the day I went into labor, and
they had to be rescheduled. I believe this was God's unique timing as
well for two reasons. First, we were able to experience the birth of
Aria with the hope still that it may just be inflammation or infection.
Second, Brandon was quite sore after the biopsies and had to recover for
a few days after. It would have really taken away from our birth
experience if he was in that much discomfort during my labor.
We had a few good days after Aria was born where Brandon was able to
care for me and the baby, as a loving husband and father. He changed all
her diapers for the first 3 days. For a few nights he also was able to
help me as he had planned all along. When Aria woke to eat every 2-3
hours he would get her, hand her to me while I got myself situated, fill
my water cup and make sure I had snacks next to the bed. After she was
fed he would burp her, change her and swaddle her back up and put her to
bed. He was so concerned for my recovery and keeping my lupus quiet he
planned to do that as long as she was nursing through the night. I feel
so blessed that God allowed us that time, if even just a couple of days
to be parents together. I cherish those memories like gold. Oh what an
amazing father he was.
Just days after returning home with Aria were the biopsies that left him
unwell and unable to do much, and then the development of lots of
symptoms leading up to that one and only chemo treatment.
During this God's timing also allowed my mom to be staying with us from
the day after Aria was born through the week of the first treatment. Her
help was so badly needed, and God knew that. As Brandon's family tended
to him, my mom tended to me as I tended to our newborn.
Through each week, each new problem, each new level of care taking, God provided us all the perfect people at the perfect time.
God quite specifically timed my mom's multiple visits, including one
arriving the day of Brandon's emergency surgery. The day we found out
about the inoperable tumor. I didn't have to hear that news alone. I
thank God for that.
When both of my parents came out once we moved to the hospice facility
we thought we would only be there a week. But it ended up being twice
that. Initially, my dad was going to come out after my mom due to work
obligations, but my mom said she just knew he needed to be there right
away. This again, was perfect timing. Though we all hoped that the
miracle we prayed so desperately for would happen, arrangements still
had to be made, we just hoped they wouldn't be needed. My dad was able
to be my eyes and ears while out with my father-in-law, and just filter
the needed decisions to me as I stayed by Brandon's bedside where he
wanted me.
With a heavy heart I also think to the timing of Brandon's going Home.
It was just as it was supposed to be. As much as I wanted to be by his
side, in those 12 minutes I stepped away, he let go. I am thankful for
that last gift Brandon gave to me, to not have to watch the life leave
him. We had a beautiful last moment together that I will never forget.
As someone told me, love held him back. He had to take that journey on
his own. God knew.
As I look back over the big picture all
I can think is 'Oh how much God loves me!' He gave us so many blessings at the perfect time.
Many people have asked how I still have faith. How I can still trust God
after He took a new father and devoted husband at just 33 years old.
How I can call it 'Perfect Timing'.
Well, all I can say is it's HIS perfect timing. Obviously MY perfect
timing would have played out with us raising two beautiful children
together and dying in each other's arms in our 90's. But it's not up to
me.
I guess I just trust in God's promises to us. And as I reflect back, I see how things could have been much, much worse.
The PET scan in February could have shown the recurrence. All this could
have happened while I was pregnant. I could have had to bury my husband
and then give birth without him to a daughter he never would meet. Aria
could have had no pictures of her daddy holding her. It happens every
day to people around the world.
I'm not saying that those people were not blessed-not at all. For
whatever reason, that is God's plan for them and I'm sure He blesses
them along their journey in unique ways to them. But for me, it just
makes me feel grateful that I received the blessings I did among a
terrible situation.
Things can pretty much always be worse. I guess that's how I'm making it
through this, by focusing on my blessings and putting my trust in God
to continue to provide what I NEED when I need it.
God has also given me a peace that this was always going to be the
outcome. For almost 4 years I have agonized over 'What if we had just
found it sooner? If we found it at Stage I, II or even III, we probably
wouldn't be here.' But God had a plan. This always was it, even if we
had caught it at Stage I. He gave me the gift of releasing those
torturous 'what if's'.
There are so many other occurrences, big and small where things happened
too perfectly to be considered simply coincidental. Often it was not
something I could see in the moment. But having hindsight and taking the
time to reflect on it has given me the ability to surrender this moment
to God, knowing that though it may not always feel like it, He is
always providing for our best interests in His perfect timing.
As we are about to enter a new year I have such mixed feelings.
2015 will be a year of a lot of firsts. The first Wedding
Anniversary, Valentine's Day, birthday, family vacation and so much more
without Brandon. Aria's first steps, first birthday, and first words.
Brandon's first Angelversary.
