Brandon’s 39th Birthday

Today is Brandon’s birthday. He would have been 39 this year. 

It’s crazy how at certain times the tears just fall. I can live life, think of him (every day), and keep on keeping on. 

Then days like today the tears just fall.  And as they do I realize that it still hurts the same as it did every year prior.  I do not miss him any less. I don’t think I ever will.  

It’s just crazy to me that now it’s a somewhat comforting thing. 

I think we are so afraid that we are going to forget or that they will be forgotten. And as time goes on the time between tears gradually gets longer and longer. The routines of day to day life become the focus. The days are long but the years are short. And suddenly it’s been almost 6 years since I held his hand. It feels so far away. Like another life all together. I have to remind myself of the life I had before that looks so different from the life I have now. And I get scared that I’m going to leave him behind because each year it seems details become a little less vivid.

Of course I know that I will never forget him, and I also know that it wouldn’t be healthy to try to carry all of him with me.  But there are times I have to search my mind to remember something - like what size and brand of jeans he wore, and that hurts. 

The reality is that time takes things from us. And it wouldn’t be a healthy life if I spent all my energy trying to carry the past with me, and missing out on what the present needs from me. And yet, even when we can rationalize these thoughts - It. Doesn’t. Make. Them. Hurt. Less. 

But it does give the feelings space to be what they are. I work hard not to dismiss them, and just let them be felt. And it never ceases to surprise me how quickly and intensely the tears come when I sit in reflection on days like today. 

I’m in a place in life where I can embrace these moments, not run from them. It brings me a strange comfort to see how my soul remembers so perfectly. Because love does not die. And though I can live my life without Brandon, my life will never be without him. 

14th Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been Brandon and my 14 year wedding anniversary. Instead it’s my 5th anniversary without him.  

It’s so very strange. It feels like the distance between he and I has grown so much more this 5th year.  And as always it’s bittersweet. With the distance of time comes healing of wounds and the ability to incorporate loss into the actual living of life.  But with it also comes the searching to remember the little things and the pain of trying to remember his voice. 

Yet some things have not changed with this distance.

Speaking of my love for him never comes without a cracked voice and tears, no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And if you know me well you know that I am expressive, passionate and temperamental in nearly every emotion...but sadness. Sadness is deeply personal and private to me, and yet I can’t hide the effects of this sadness when the feelings rush to be felt.

Brandon’s legacy and the effect he had, correction...has on me has not changed. I am still inspired by his influence on my life. I have struggled greatly navigating these past 5 years. And so much of it was the loss of a sense of self. The first few years I concentrated on working through my grief, and I worked ALL THE THINGS.  Counseling, Grief Share, support groups, books, podcasts, creating and facilitating a young and widowed group (still going strong and serving so many!), grief yoga, EMDR...you name it I likely tried it. And it all helped and would have been all the things Brandon, as a psychologist, would have encouraged a grieving widow to do. More recently I found a place in myself to examine myself, not my grief. In January God lead me to a class/group essentially about ownership of self. Really examining the depths of ourselves and owning who we are and challenging ourself to grow in knowledge of and confidence in oneself. This 18 week class and a weekend retreat has all been put on hold at the moment due to COVID-19, but what a breath of fresh air to step outside my situation, my grief, and see myself individually. Remember who I am, not who I’ve become through loss.  And I know Brandon would be elated that I’m on this path now.

I never would have thought this journey would be like this. I think we hope that one day we will not “be sad” anymore, but for many (dare I say most) of us that is an impossibility. We can’t just wake up some morning and be “over it” or “ready to move on”.  I will never be over the loss of Brandon. And we like to say we are “moving forward”, not moving on, because moving on suggests leaving something behind. This is not something I can leave behind, I carry it with me every day. And I can still say not a single day has passed that I have not thought of him. And I’m ok with that - because the majority are things don’t make me cry because it’s over, but instead make me smile because it happened.

I will always treasure the choice I made to marry Brandon 14 years ago today. And I will always remember the way that decision changed my life forever, for better or for worse.  

And today I dedicate this song to my Brandon:

https://youtu.be/U6oJODFyprM

Lyrics:

One, two, three

And you've gone so far

Far from me

As I fall apart

If I had known the way I'd feel

Right from the start

I wouldn't change anything

But my broken heart

Four, five, six

This is killing me

What I miss most

Is everything

If I had known the way I'd feel

Right from the start

I wouldn't change anything

But my broken heart

I didn't know

Watching you go

Would ever be this hard

I close my eyes

And be by your side

Wondering where you are

If I had known then what I know

Now right from the start

I wouldn't change anything

But my broken heart

One, two, three

And you've gone so far

Far from me

Like the morning stars

If I had known the way I'd feel

Right from the start

I wouldn't change anything

But my broken heart

I wouldn't change anything

But my broken heart