I think I've come far in my healing, I don't get taken down by a wave of grief on the 23rd of every month anymore. Some months the 23rd passes just as any other day with no special thought. When I realize this days later I'm hit with heavy guilt. How could I possibly not have noticed the date?! How selfish of me!
But I think feeling this way is normal. I also think loosing track of the days is normal too. I have returned to the land of the living finally. It's been a year and a half, I don't think Brandon would want me to continue to live in constant grief anymore, counting every month he has been gone for the rest of my life. I don't need to be sad on the 23rd of every month when the reality is that I think of him every day. Sometimes it's joyous thoughts as I relive the good memories and I am thankful for the time I did have with him. Other times it's terribly sad thoughts as I once again realize what happened and my heart aches that his life was so short.
It's a constant battle of conflicting emotions. The negative thoughts, the guilt and the pity hit first and hit hard. Sometimes it takes">everything in me to hit "pause" for a moment and separate myself from my feelings and look objectively at the situation and try to find peace within it.
Today as I stepped back and looked at my life from Brandon's eyes I felt contentment. The guilt of living life, not just surviving life, eased.
I do not need to spend my life in mourning to honor my love for Brandon. No, exactly opposite. I need to let the legacy of him live through me, and through Aria. He taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, how to be welcoming to everyone. I can not let his impact on me die with him. And the only way to show it, is to live it. So, it's ok to return to life again, to feel happiness despite my loss. How much I love him and miss him is not mutually exclusive to my misery.
At moments this truth sinks in deep and I believe it with everything in me. Other times it's not so easy.
But today I have found some peace in that truth. And God knew I needed that.
