An angelversary like no other

I started this post last night, and finished it today...

I prepare tonight to step into Brandon’s 12 year angelversary tomorrow.  I know in grief often the anticipation of these trigger dates is worse than the actual day.  We approach with the fear of feeling that intense heartache.  It's like our mind wants to prepare to feel it, which is a form of feeling it, plus that being paired with anxiety and dread.   By the time we get to the day we are emotionally exhausted from the stress of anticipation, and find ourselves sitting in just the grief and sadness., which often feels like a lighter load to bare. 

I really have no idea what to expect for tomorrow.   Since Karl’s death I feel distant from the grief I’ve known all these years as I navigate this new grief story.  I’m struggling with how to hold space for both losses individually.  Since August 1st it’s been a strange entanglement of the loss of Karl and the familiarity of the heartache of loosing your partner before.  At the moment the distinction, or personalized aspects of my grief unique to Brandon, feel foggy.  I imagine that is my brain doing its job of allowing me to gradually incorporate this new loss into my life, and God answering the prayers for peace beyond understanding with this detached feeling.

In these later years of my grief I was at the point of leaning into these trigger days, allowing myself to spend time feeling and reflecting.  I could sit in it and not be overtaken by it.  Ultimately what I would come away with was a sense of assurance from my pain.

When we loose someone one of our biggest fears is forgetting them.  This year - with all that was going on - I couldn’t truly focus on Brandon’s Birthday.  It is something I like to continue to do year after year to keep his memory alive and his presence in my life tangible.  Nothing extensive, just something small to still give a piece of that day to him, usually having or doing something he loved.

But a month ago, less than 3 weeks after Karl’s death, I just could not remember details.  Sure, he loved anything from the kid’s menu - cheeseburgers, pizza, chicken fingers.  But from where?  How did he like his burger cooked?  Did he like pickles?   How did I not know anymore?!  Mild panic, fear and sadness overwhelmed me.

Thankfully, after a little time I was able to give myself some grace for being in shock and very distracted, but it still hurt to make that realization, and the fear of forgetting him started creeping in.  

I’m working hard to acknowledge those feelings as Spiritual Warfare.  I’m thankful for the perfect timing of this topic of study in my Women’s Connect Group at Flatirons.  It’s all those little thoughts and fears that sneak in through the cracks and then snowball in your mind, barreling into your truth, weakening your resolve, and bringing doubt and fear to the forefront. 

Well not today Satan.

Because every time I have leaned into my grief over Brandon’s death, what I feel is an aching that can only be described as in my soul.  A whole body, mind and spirit experience I feel in no other circumstance.  And through that I am assured that my soul will never forget a detail.  My earthly mind may loose memories but my soul will never forget, and I believe my soul is eternal, thanks to Jesus.

When I step back and reflect on that truth I find some comfort.   No matter what happens, my soul knows, loves and longs for Brandon.  Nothing can take that from me.  The little details seemingly lost are simply just out of reach at the moment.  Time will take that. But Eternity will give it all back...and then more.

I sit here - now Wednesday the 23rd, early evening, and I still don’t know how I’ll feel today when I have the time to sit in it.   It sure is harder to intentionally lean into it today when I’ve been in the fresh and constant torment of grief and shock again.   I may be too numb and disassociated to go there this time.  And that's ok.  I'll battle some natural guilt, but I'll also be able to let it go once I feel it.  I do know that the act of expressing or not expressing my feelings today has no reflection on how much I still love and miss my Brandon.   

I'll also be honest and say I've battled a feeling of betrayal of Karl as I write this.  As if it's "too soon" after he died to bring my focus off the loss of him and back to the loss of Brandon.  Again, I can and will let that go.  But I also have to acknowledge it's presence so I can protect myself from that kind darkness fighting against me and my healing.

Not today Satan.