An angelversary like no other

I started this post last night, and finished it today...

I prepare tonight to step into Brandon’s 12 year angelversary tomorrow.  I know in grief often the anticipation of these trigger dates is worse than the actual day.  We approach with the fear of feeling that intense heartache.  It's like our mind wants to prepare to feel it, which is a form of feeling it, plus that being paired with anxiety and dread.   By the time we get to the day we are emotionally exhausted from the stress of anticipation, and find ourselves sitting in just the grief and sadness., which often feels like a lighter load to bare. 

I really have no idea what to expect for tomorrow.   Since Karl’s death I feel distant from the grief I’ve known all these years as I navigate this new grief story.  I’m struggling with how to hold space for both losses individually.  Since August 1st it’s been a strange entanglement of the loss of Karl and the familiarity of the heartache of loosing your partner before.  At the moment the distinction, or personalized aspects of my grief unique to Brandon, feel foggy.  I imagine that is my brain doing its job of allowing me to gradually incorporate this new loss into my life, and God answering the prayers for peace beyond understanding with this detached feeling.

In these later years of my grief I was at the point of leaning into these trigger days, allowing myself to spend time feeling and reflecting.  I could sit in it and not be overtaken by it.  Ultimately what I would come away with was a sense of assurance from my pain.

When we loose someone one of our biggest fears is forgetting them.  This year - with all that was going on - I couldn’t truly focus on Brandon’s Birthday.  It is something I like to continue to do year after year to keep his memory alive and his presence in my life tangible.  Nothing extensive, just something small to still give a piece of that day to him, usually having or doing something he loved.

But a month ago, less than 3 weeks after Karl’s death, I just could not remember details.  Sure, he loved anything from the kid’s menu - cheeseburgers, pizza, chicken fingers.  But from where?  How did he like his burger cooked?  Did he like pickles?   How did I not know anymore?!  Mild panic, fear and sadness overwhelmed me.

Thankfully, after a little time I was able to give myself some grace for being in shock and very distracted, but it still hurt to make that realization, and the fear of forgetting him started creeping in.  

I’m working hard to acknowledge those feelings as Spiritual Warfare.  I’m thankful for the perfect timing of this topic of study in my Women’s Connect Group at Flatirons.  It’s all those little thoughts and fears that sneak in through the cracks and then snowball in your mind, barreling into your truth, weakening your resolve, and bringing doubt and fear to the forefront. 

Well not today Satan.

Because every time I have leaned into my grief over Brandon’s death, what I feel is an aching that can only be described as in my soul.  A whole body, mind and spirit experience I feel in no other circumstance.  And through that I am assured that my soul will never forget a detail.  My earthly mind may loose memories but my soul will never forget, and I believe my soul is eternal, thanks to Jesus.

When I step back and reflect on that truth I find some comfort.   No matter what happens, my soul knows, loves and longs for Brandon.  Nothing can take that from me.  The little details seemingly lost are simply just out of reach at the moment.  Time will take that. But Eternity will give it all back...and then more.

I sit here - now Wednesday the 23rd, early evening, and I still don’t know how I’ll feel today when I have the time to sit in it.   It sure is harder to intentionally lean into it today when I’ve been in the fresh and constant torment of grief and shock again.   I may be too numb and disassociated to go there this time.  And that's ok.  I'll battle some natural guilt, but I'll also be able to let it go once I feel it.  I do know that the act of expressing or not expressing my feelings today has no reflection on how much I still love and miss my Brandon.   

I'll also be honest and say I've battled a feeling of betrayal of Karl as I write this.  As if it's "too soon" after he died to bring my focus off the loss of him and back to the loss of Brandon.  Again, I can and will let that go.  But I also have to acknowledge it's presence so I can protect myself from that kind darkness fighting against me and my healing.

Not today Satan.

  

Counting Months

My mind can’t wrap around the fact that it has already and only been a month since we found Karl unresponsive.  That felt like the never ending August.   Like I’m standing still as the world spins around me. 

One month.  There’s this disbelief that I am once again counting months.  Like a baby, we tend to quantify the duration of our loss in days, then weeks and ultimately months at first.  Past the first year it becomes “1 year 4 months”.  Somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd year we often progress to half year increments of “about 3 and a half years”, and eventually most of us release the hold on the specific amount of time and get to a looser statement like “a little less than12 years”.

That’s where I am at with Brandon.  As I’ve always said, literally not a day goes by that I do not think of him, but my focus is now more on his memory as opposed to my pain and loss.  

And now here I am again.  Counting months.

It took years for my identity to no longer feel defined by widowhood.  Feeling like the sum of my existence wasn’t merely my brokenness, baggage and grief.

And now here I am again.  Twice widowed.  

Unfortunately we just found out this week that we have other months to count now too.

4 or 5 months until Reyna gets deployed.  Then 11 months until she’s back.  

I don’t understand this timing.  I want Reyna here to grieve with us, not alone.  I don’t want her to have to stuff this into a box in order to perform her duties overseas.  I want her to have time and space to have a healthy relationship with grief and God.

But here we are.  Just feels like another blow while we are already on the ground.

I believe God has a plan.  But that doesn’t necessarily make it easier.  Honestly, I think often it makes it harder.  We have to surrender our expectations and be open and obedient to what God is doing, knowing this side of heaven we will never see the big picture, the purpose or the answer to why.   

I've seen ways God prepared us.  A conviction on my heart to reconnect with my faith 9 months ago.  Karl's heart and mind being open and eager to discover who Jesus is and accept Him as his Savior shortly before his death.  Aria getting plugged into a youth group that she (and her friends) just love.  The steps we were taking financially that has made his estate much easier than it would have been.  

I've seen His mercies too.  As awful as it was to be out of state and Karl alone when this happened, there is some relief that we did not have to experience the trauma of witnessing it.  I hate that that trauma was deferred to my neighbors instead.  They have repeatedly assured me that they too were glad it was them and not me, but I imagine that experience will be with them for the rest of their lives.  I'm grateful that Karl wasn't driving in the moment this happened, others could have been injured or killed.  Or if he had gone to Texas with me, what if it happened on a flight?  Or in Texas, where friends could not easily come say goodbye and rally around us.  And mercy on Karl that it was likely very instantaneous.  

I am trying to focus on the blessings too.  God has surrounded us with an amazing community of family, friends, colleagues, neighbors and complete strangers who are lifting us up with physical, emotional, spiritual and financial support.  We have good (enough) health, lol, a home, and our faith.

We all have therapists.  Aria is seeing a young woman referred to us by our couples therapist.  I expected that sometime in the next few years I would get her in therapy to work through things that may come up for her about the loss of her dad, and never getting a chance to know him.  Now, it felt necessary to get her connected to process this loss as well as what it may bring up about Brandon's death too.  She is struggling with some regret and fear, but overall is doing ok.  

We got Karl's ashes home.  Reyna and I both chose a black vase style urn with a wood divider for inscription.  Reyna's reads, "I love you - Dad".  I couldn't decide what I wanted so I left it blank for now.  I considered the usual "In loving memory" type engravings or a scripture reference.  I also considered something silly for Karl like "Shut the door", or a song title or lyric.

If you have any suggestions, drop them below.  I think it's 30-35 character limit.

Please continue to pray for the strength we need, for us to feel God's presence, and for God to give me direction as I have a lot of life changes to figure out.