Counting Months

My mind can’t wrap around the fact that it has already and only been a month since we found Karl unresponsive.  That felt like the never ending August.   Like I’m standing still as the world spins around me. 

One month.  There’s this disbelief that I am once again counting months.  Like a baby, we tend to quantify the duration of our loss in days, then weeks and ultimately months at first.  Past the first year it becomes “1 year 4 months”.  Somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd year we often progress to half year increments of “about 3 and a half years”, and eventually most of us release the hold on the specific amount of time and get to a looser statement like “a little less than12 years”.

That’s where I am at with Brandon.  As I’ve always said, literally not a day goes by that I do not think of him, but my focus is now more on his memory as opposed to my pain and loss.  

And now here I am again.  Counting months.

It took years for my identity to no longer feel defined by widowhood.  Feeling like the sum of my existence wasn’t merely my brokenness, baggage and grief.

And now here I am again.  Twice widowed.  

Unfortunately we just found out this week that we have other months to count now too.

4 or 5 months until Reyna gets deployed.  Then 11 months until she’s back.  

I don’t understand this timing.  I want Reyna here to grieve with us, not alone.  I don’t want her to have to stuff this into a box in order to perform her duties overseas.  I want her to have time and space to have a healthy relationship with grief and God.

But here we are.  Just feels like another blow while we are already on the ground.

I believe God has a plan.  But that doesn’t necessarily make it easier.  Honestly, I think often it makes it harder.  We have to surrender our expectations and be open and obedient to what God is doing, knowing this side of heaven we will never see the big picture, the purpose or the answer to why.   

I've seen ways God prepared us.  A conviction on my heart to reconnect with my faith 9 months ago.  Karl's heart and mind being open and eager to discover who Jesus is and accept Him as his Savior shortly before his death.  Aria getting plugged into a youth group that she (and her friends) just love.  The steps we were taking financially that has made his estate much easier than it would have been.  

I've seen His mercies too.  As awful as it was to be out of state and Karl alone when this happened, there is some relief that we did not have to experience the trauma of witnessing it.  I hate that that trauma was deferred to my neighbors instead.  They have repeatedly assured me that they too were glad it was them and not me, but I imagine that experience will be with them for the rest of their lives.  I'm grateful that Karl wasn't driving in the moment this happened, others could have been injured or killed.  Or if he had gone to Texas with me, what if it happened on a flight?  Or in Texas, where friends could not easily come say goodbye and rally around us.  And mercy on Karl that it was likely very instantaneous.  

I am trying to focus on the blessings too.  God has surrounded us with an amazing community of family, friends, colleagues, neighbors and complete strangers who are lifting us up with physical, emotional, spiritual and financial support.  We have good (enough) health, lol, a home, and our faith.

We all have therapists.  Aria is seeing a young woman referred to us by our couples therapist.  I expected that sometime in the next few years I would get her in therapy to work through things that may come up for her about the loss of her dad, and never getting a chance to know him.  Now, it felt necessary to get her connected to process this loss as well as what it may bring up about Brandon's death too.  She is struggling with some regret and fear, but overall is doing ok.  

We got Karl's ashes home.  Reyna and I both chose a black vase style urn with a wood divider for inscription.  Reyna's reads, "I love you - Dad".  I couldn't decide what I wanted so I left it blank for now.  I considered the usual "In loving memory" type engravings or a scripture reference.  I also considered something silly for Karl like "Shut the door", or a song title or lyric.

If you have any suggestions, drop them below.  I think it's 30-35 character limit.

Please continue to pray for the strength we need, for us to feel God's presence, and for God to give me direction as I have a lot of life changes to figure out.