"Sad-min"

It still feels surreal.  It's been 13 days since...well - I'm not sure what to call it.  The bleed?  The incident?  The moment life just turned upside down?  

8 days since his last breath.

It's been tough.  I'm still in the functional part of being in shock and taking advantage of the help I have navigating all the "sad-min" (the death related paperwork and tasks).  Reyna has been by my side though all of it, helping to make decisions and taking some things off my plate.  My parents have been with me for the estate attorney appointments and funeral home arrangements. 

I've repeatedly had the gut punch in this sad-min process of finding my self having to clarify, "My late husband...I mean, my (first or second) late husband..." followed by the dizzying and momentarily paralyzing reality that I am actually saying that.  

Aria has been busy back at dance and continually snatched up for time with friends while we are getting things done.  Mary, my sister-in-law, (Brandon's brother's wife) has been nurturing Aria and Reyna with the auntie love they need right now.  My mom cooking, cleaning and organizing and dad keeping busy with some honey-do list items Karl hadn't gotten around to.  And if rage-cleaning is a thing, so is grief-cleaning.  Needing to make some more room for additional air mattresses got the majority of a basement organization and haul done in a day.  

I'm grateful that earlier this year Karl and I started working with a financial advisor and all of Karl's individual expenses are documented in a shared program, making it a lot easier to deal with his estate.  

The most shocking sad-min gut punch was discovering he did not have Life Insurance through his current employer, which I did not know.  I knew he had with every other previous employer and had assumed such.  Since there had always been some sort of coverage I hadn't pushed too much for him to have an individual policy.  I know he was planning to get it set up as part of our financial plan we were working on - but unfortunately not soon enough.

I'm unsure what life looks like going forward from here.  For now it's one day at a time.  Again.

Reyna has chosen to move back home for a little while.  Aria will love having her here, and I'm glad that we can support each other through this loss of ours.  I'm especially thankful that she won't be living alone during these first few months that are so difficult...and selfishly happy that it won't be so quiet around here as we gear up for back to school next week and the fall dance schedule.

That is when guests all head back home and it's going to start feeling real.  The quiet will become loud with memories, regrets and broken dreams.  I'll never feel ready to face it, but I must, so I will.  A fitting line printed on the "spredges" or sprayed edges of a fantasy book Reyna or Mary is reading.

I am doing all I can to just sink into my faith.  I believe God will provide.  I don't know what He will provide or when but I am doing all I can to just be open to what that looks like.  At the moment it's strength, family and community support, financial assistance and rest.  

In the meantime I'd be grateful for your prayers over these areas - and forgive me for being somewhat vague.  God knows.

-For kindness, empathy, and an atypical response regarding an account issue

-For an ongoing situation to be resolved with no further action on my part

-For direction 

Update 8/10/26

At 11:03pm, Wednesday August 5th Karl was welcomed into Heaven, with his family by his side.  

Reyna, Aria and I have been surrounded by so much love and support from near and far.  My “worker bees”, as they’ve been lovingly labeled, have been buzzing around behind the scenes making this transition as seamless as possible for us.  Arranging meals, transportation for Aria to and from dance, covering August dance tuition so I didn’t even have to think about it, and so, so much more.  To say I am grateful is an understatement.  I think I’ll call them C’s Bees. :) 

Reyna and I have decided together that a funeral was not Karl’s style.  He’d hate something formal with him as the center of attention. Instead we will be planning an intimate gathering of some sort around his birthday mid-November.  We ran the idea past Karl’s family that flew out, and they felt that aligned with him as well.

As we’ve been navigating this, I’m not sure how much is the “peace beyond understanding” I’ve been praying for, and how much is just shock. I’m kind of just floating through the days detached and numb. I have moments of worrying about the numbness and start internally spiraling.  Then I find myself reassuring myself that this is normal - a defense mechanism.  My brain is protecting me as I process this.  Because I’ve lived it before that self talk seems to hit different. 

Your mind does strange things in times like these.  Literally, one of the first thoughts I had as I wrapped my mind around the reality of what was happening was “Well, now what side of the bed will I sleep on?”.  

When I had to come home without Brandon I could not bear the thought of seeing his side of the bed empty, so I took his side.  Now what do I do? Same house, same bedroom, same problem.  Now both sides represent loss - just 12 years apart.

As I find myself just “keepin’ on”, I feel a little out of body.  Able to acknowledge that I know I am in shock right now. Awareness that I need to take advantage of this numbness to get shit done before the shock wears off and grief overtakes. It’s strange to be analyzing my own experience in this way.  

At the moment I’m in a “Ok, God - wtf?” kind of mindset.  I want to trust in the plan, and I know God will provide.  But I’ll be honest with you and say I’m struggling to understand what that could even look like at this point?  I feel defeated.

I know I’ll find hope, just not right now. 

This song….

https://open.spotify.com/track/2eP2EBzjAoy34dnEB9CtF8?si=s30B71nZQEGCSFQl91KkNg&utm_source=copy-link

Link

 I was asked to share the Go Fund Me link here:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-karl-kellens-legacy-and-family?attribution_id=sl:23a6a1da-acd8-410a-a5eb-794adda54ad9&lang=en_US&ts=1785942471&utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_content=amp30-treatment-4&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwRlRTSATgX9pwZG9mBWZkaWQWUL7pnY_M4hBDPNbPtqyfS1B7SrpX3mV4dG4DYWVtAjExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkCjY2Mjg1NjgzNzkAAR6kKaqtWpUPOMiJitdH4QIi29RnyN_o0S9oGtiZY1mwHzZI6KDnAL9-wM0bvQ_aem_UYfcv-Qirlfc6xM6_ON8SA

Never thought I’d have to do this again

On Saturday, August 1st my world shattered for the second time.  In Texas for the weekend, picking Aria up from a week stay with her Titi and Uncle (Brandon’s brother and wife) I found myself anxious because I could not get ahold of Karl.  Life 360 showed him at home, despite him being excited to be going to Stranahan’s for a whiskey tour and tasting late afternoon.  I assumed Life 360 was not accurate, because it often wasn’t.  I’d get notified mid day that “Karl left home”, 6 hours after he actually left.  

When messages were unread a couple hours later I started getting worried.  Repeatedly checking Life 360 and calling, texting and FaceTimeing I tried to calm my anxiety by telling myself he probably fell asleep relaxing at home after the tasting.  I checked the Ring camera and could see his truck in the driveway,  but could only view the live stream because, of course, something needed to be reconnected to see the history.  Checking Life 360 again I note that his battery percentage was reducing, so it was accurate and I knew something was wrong.  

Feeling a little awkward, I reached out to my neighbor who is a good friend - and asked if she could pop up to check on him.  Responding a couple minutes later she let me know her husband was on the way.

I watched from the camera as he rang the doorbell, waited, then checked the handle and walked in - the door unlocked.  I start praying, begging God for everything to be ok.  Moments later I watch in horror as he runs out on the phone looking at the house - for the house number.  Shortly after his wife rushes in.

Frantically I start calling him and his wife, intermittently checking back on the ring camera. Then I see it - ambulance lights and EMT’s rushing to the door. My heart dropped, feeling so helpless, and so surreal.  

A few minutes later he calls, having to deliver the devastating news that he found Karl unresponsive and he is on the way to the ER.  

Earlier I had checked with Reyna to see if she had heard from him at all, which she had not.  Now I’m making the call no (bonus)mom wants to make, and she is immediately on her way from Fort Collins.

A blur of phone calls and hours later they determined that Karl had a spontaneous brain bleed in a “really bad spot”, where the brain connects to the brain stem.  They were pretty shocked to discover that he had no known high blood pressure issues, the most common contributor to a bleed of this extent.  The only intervention we could do had little chance for improving anything regarding recovery, the damage was done.  We could attempt to prolong life, but it would be no quality of life. Reyna and I agreed that is no life he would want to live.

At this point David had already rescheduled us for the next flight out, with Mary insisting on coming with us.  By early morning I am at the hospital with Reyna and Aria is back home with Mary, and Reyna and I begin the process with Donor Alliance for organ donation since Karl signed up as a donor. 

As of Tuesday afternoon, all of Karl’s major organs have a recipient match.  At 10pm tonight, Wednesday August 5th Karl will be disconnected from the support and allowed to pass in his own timing with Reyna and I by his side.  

It’s all just so surreal.  Utterly unbelievable and devastating.  Total bullshit.  It feels so unfair for Reyna to loose her father - her rock she could always count on to selflessly be there for her without fail.  It’s unfair to be widowed TWICE  at only 43.  And it’s unfair that such a kind, silly and honorable man’s life is cut short in a time of some beautiful personal and spiritual growth. 

Why God?! Why?!?! 

I’m not good at memorizing scripture, so I’m sinking into lyrics from worship songs to remind me that God is good.  This is not good, but God is.  He will embrace me as I yell at Him and question Him.  

In this moment I write from a place of numbness and shock.     Sadly, I know what is to come, so I’ll allow the brief respite from gut punching realizations and heart wrenching pain.

We have been surrounded by support. I have not had to think of anything but being present here.  Aria is being loved on by many, taken to and from dance and out shopping for a distraction. All my friends see Reyna as my daughter and are caring for her as much as me.  

It’s a shitty deja vu for many of us.  My parents, Haley, Mary, David, Jess and Steve and so many others near and far - all falling back into their roles as they supported me through the loss of Brandon just under 12 years ago. 

As we navigate this unimaginable loss, please pray for peace beyond understanding, strength, endurance, and steadfast faith. 

I will continue to update on here as we navigate this awful reality. 

The Quiet - 8 years later

 I sit in the dark in the tree swing in our back yard. A place I seem to find every time I need to be quiet with you and think, connect and reflect. A place that feels so familiar to me. And yet- it’s a place in our back yard you never knew. I remember wanting a swing after you passed so I could sit outside and rock with Aria. In survival mode and not thinking clearly I googled and found a post about wrapping a tow rope around the branch like 10 times ( so it wouldn’t hurt the tree like tree swing things do apparently). I bought the swing and the tow rope on Amazon, and one day when all our guy friends were here to help with yard work and other honey-do’s, they chuckled quietly and hung my swing from the damn tree with a tow rope. It’s crazy to me how many moments I’ve had in my life in this tree swing. But none of them were with you. Yet they were about you. 

I can’t help but sing in my head Evanescence My Immortal. 

Your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone. These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there’s just so much that time can not erase….

I don’t live in this pain every day anymore- thank goodness. But as I’ve said repeatedly, when I sit in it - it is no different than the first night.

We had an evening just like this. A beautiful fall evening, comfortable to be outside on the back deck that we helped build. We gathered, smiled, laughed. We held each other up just by being together but we were falling apart. We all dreaded when the time came to go to bed and be alone with our thoughts.  Our reality. Our life without you. 

So much of that first year - or two… was and still is such a blur. Honestly the past 8 years have been a blur. And I don’t know if that’s just how it is once you become a parent?  I don’t know because I never got to experience just the  drastic life change of becoming a parent. I was also loosing you, and then grieving the loss of you and figuring out how to be an only parent. And from then on I just haven’t stopped going, going, going. I don’t know where I’m going, I just seem to need to do all the things because I just want to live and experience. Because what I value so much as I think back on our 10 years together is all the experiences we had. Those are the memories that flood back. And I am so grateful we did the things we did and we did life with the people we did. 

And so I continue to look for the experiences, make the connections, do the things - because life is short. And maybe because I am still running from the quiet. And have some serious FOMO…so thanks for that. (Chuckle)

And so I come here, every Father’s Day, every August 22nd, every September 23rd (and if our anniversary wasn’t March 25th which is usually a blizzard) to be here in the quiet with my thoughts of you. And it  brings me memories both good and bad, awareness of broken dreams, the return of heartache and tears. And yet here I am - surrounding myself in quiet to be with my thoughts of you. Because even every moment that brings me pain is bittersweet because it is still about you. 

Side note: I wrote this just as a journal entry - the conscious stream of thought type. Just blah blah blah - get it out. And as I reread it, it felt right to just share it - in its rawness