First Heavenly Anniversary

Today would have been my and Karl’s 11 year anniversary.

Last night I did some reminiscing, revisiting our first message exchanges on Match and text.  I cannot recall the last time I looked back that far.   It brought back so many feelings.  The excitement, anticipation and even the cautiousness you feel as you fall in love. 

I chuckled at the first picture he sent me.  We had been messaging and talking for a couple weeks and decided to plan our first date. He was driving to work and I told him he had to send me a selfie holding 3 fingers up so I could be sure he was who he said he was and not a decade older than the photos on his profile before I would meet up with him.  Side note:  not sure why we never face timed, that would have been another solution???  Anyhow - he obliged and sent me the selfie, and asked for one in return holding 2 fingers up.

This photo brings a smile to my face.   He was just so genuine and uncomplicated.  

Our first date I only agreed to a drink.  It’s awful being stuck at a table with someone you have no dialogue or chemistry with in person for a whole meal, so I was upfront about only a drink.  An hour into it I didn’t want it to end, and we ordered another drink and appetizers.  3 hours and dessert later we finally headed home.   That was November 3rd, 2015 and the date we chose to celebrate as our anniversary.

I knew that I had found a respectable man when he agreed to join me for our second date at a foundation launch put on by a widower friend of mine,  benefitting families impacted by brain aneurysms, (ironic now...).  For him to step right into my grief and loss world without hesitation showed such character and maturity. 

The rest was history, as they say.  

It takes a confident man to love a widow, knowing she will always have love for another man too.  To give space for that love and that loss without jealousy.  It wasn’t easy for him.  I know he compartmentalized those feelings of insecurity.  They showed up sometimes, as anyone would expect, but thankfully it was never a major issue for us. 

It is still surreal that he is gone.  I often find myself staring at something of his, like his shoes that are still by the door, saying to myself - he’s gone.  He died.  Like never wearing those shoes again.  Dead.  What?!  Is this real?   Yeah, it's real.  This. Is. Real.  He's gone.

I hate this part. 

Well, I mean, I hate all of it, but...

I hate the shock wearing off and having to learn how to incorporate this loss into my life.

I hate having to decipher who I am now without him.

I hate having to figure out what moving forward looks like. 

And I hate that I know what lies ahead for me in this grief and loss "journey".

Last time I leaned so much into grief work.  Grief therapy, grief yoga, grief groups, grief books, grief seminars, grief community.    And it all was so helpful in so many ways.  

But in the process I seemed to loose my connection with my grief Healer and grief Comforter.  I didn’t loose my faith, but I lost my practice.  And it took 11 years for me to realize all that time I had been trying to do it on my own - my way - and it wasn’t working.  

Then God called me back to Him, and brought Karl along with me.

This time, I am using the tools and experience I have from before, but I am leaning fully into God.  I am working on truly surrendering all I have to His Will.  It’s really hard to let go and just listen and take what you think is the next right step not knowing what the plan is.

I would really appreciate your prayers regarding my career.  For years I have battled with owning a business.  I LOVE design, I HATE running a business.  I should have let it go years ago, but I just couldn’t.  Well, wouldn’t.

Now - God has made it clear that this chapter has closed, and I am so relieved.  And terrified.   Please pray for guidance as I complete my remaining open projects and seek what is next.  

Karl had been encouraging me for years to just let it go.  Well, his death was the thing that forced me to finally do it. He can say "I told you so" now...

I don't really know how to wrap this up.  I'm exhausted in every capacity I have to be exhausted.  

I miss him deeply, and I am incredibly grateful for the 10+ years we had together.  My eyes are on Heaven.  This is not my home, and thank God for that.