"Sad-min"

It still feels surreal.  It's been 13 days since...well - I'm not sure what to call it.  The bleed?  The incident?  The moment life just turned upside down?  

8 days since his last breath.

It's been tough.  I'm still in the functional part of being in shock and taking advantage of the help I have navigating all the "sad-min" (the death related paperwork and tasks).  Reyna has been by my side though all of it, helping to make decisions and taking some things off my plate.  My parents have been with me for the estate attorney appointments and funeral home arrangements. 

I've repeatedly had the gut punch in this sad-min process of finding my self having to clarify, "My late husband...I mean, my (first or second) late husband..." followed by the dizzying and momentarily paralyzing reality that I am actually saying that.  

Aria has been busy back at dance and continually snatched up for time with friends while we are getting things done.  Mary, my sister-in-law, (Brandon's brother's wife) has been nurturing Aria and Reyna with the auntie love they need right now.  My mom cooking, cleaning and organizing and dad keeping busy with some honey-do list items Karl hadn't gotten around to.  And if rage-cleaning is a thing, so is grief-cleaning.  Needing to make some more room for additional air mattresses got the majority of a basement organization and haul done in a day.  

I'm grateful that earlier this year Karl and I started working with a financial advisor and all of Karl's individual expenses are documented in a shared program, making it a lot easier to deal with his estate.  

The most shocking sad-min gut punch was discovering he did not have Life Insurance through his current employer, which I did not know.  I knew he had with every other previous employer and had assumed such.  Since there had always been some sort of coverage I hadn't pushed too much for him to have an individual policy.  I know he was planning to get it set up as part of our financial plan we were working on - but unfortunately not soon enough.

I'm unsure what life looks like going forward from here.  For now it's one day at a time.  Again.

Reyna has chosen to move back home for a little while.  Aria will love having her here, and I'm glad that we can support each other through this loss of ours.  I'm especially thankful that she won't be living alone during these first few months that are so difficult...and selfishly happy that it won't be so quiet around here as we gear up for back to school next week and the fall dance schedule.

That is when guests all head back home and it's going to start feeling real.  The quiet will become loud with memories, regrets and broken dreams.  I'll never feel ready to face it, but I must, so I will.  A fitting line printed on the "spredges" or sprayed edges of a fantasy book Reyna or Mary is reading.

I am doing all I can to just sink into my faith.  I believe God will provide.  I don't know what He will provide or when but I am doing all I can to just be open to what that looks like.  At the moment it's strength, family and community support, financial assistance and rest.  

In the meantime I'd be grateful for your prayers over these areas - and forgive me for being somewhat vague.  God knows.

-For kindness, empathy, and an atypical response regarding an account issue

-For an ongoing situation to be resolved with no further action on my part

-For direction