Never thought I’d have to do this again

On Saturday, August 1st my world shattered for the second time.  In Texas for the weekend, picking Aria up from a week stay with her Titi and Uncle (Brandon’s brother and wife) I found myself anxious because I could not get ahold of Karl.  Life 360 showed him at home, despite him being excited to be going to Stranahan’s for a whiskey tour and tasting late afternoon.  I assumed Life 360 was not accurate, because it often wasn’t.  I’d get notified mid day that “Karl left home”, 6 hours after he actually left.  

When messages were unread a couple hours later I started getting worried.  Repeatedly checking Life 360 and calling, texting and FaceTimeing I tried to calm my anxiety by telling myself he probably fell asleep relaxing at home after the tasting.  I checked the Ring camera and could see his truck in the driveway,  but could only view the live stream because, of course, something needed to be reconnected to see the history.  Checking Life 360 again I note that his battery percentage was reducing, so it was accurate and I knew something was wrong.  

Feeling a little awkward, I reached out to my neighbor who is a good friend - and asked if she could pop up to check on him.  Responding a couple minutes later she let me know her husband was on the way.

I watched from the camera as he rang the doorbell, waited, then checked the handle and walked in - the door unlocked.  I start praying, begging God for everything to be ok.  Moments later I watch in horror as he runs out on the phone looking at the house - for the house number.  Shortly after his wife rushes in.

Frantically I start calling him and his wife, intermittently checking back on the ring camera. Then I see it - ambulance lights and EMT’s rushing to the door. My heart dropped, feeling so helpless, and so surreal.  

A few minutes later he calls, having to deliver the devastating news that he found Karl unresponsive and he is on the way to the ER.  

Earlier I had checked with Reyna to see if she had heard from him at all, which she had not.  Now I’m making the call no (bonus)mom wants to make, and she is immediately on her way from Fort Collins.

A blur of phone calls and hours later they determined that Karl had a spontaneous brain bleed in a “really bad spot”, where the brain connects to the brain stem.  They were pretty shocked to discover that he had no known high blood pressure issues, the most common contributor to a bleed of this extent.  The only intervention we could do had little chance for improving anything regarding recovery, the damage was done.  We could attempt to prolong life, but it would be no quality of life. Reyna and I agreed that is no life he would want to live.

At this point David had already rescheduled us for the next flight out, with Mary insisting on coming with us.  By early morning I am at the hospital with Reyna and Aria is back home with Mary, and Reyna and I begin the process with Donor Alliance for organ donation since Karl signed up as a donor. 

As of Tuesday afternoon, all of Karl’s major organs have a recipient match.  At 10pm tonight, Wednesday August 5th Karl will be disconnected from the support and allowed to pass in his own timing with Reyna and I by his side.  

It’s all just so surreal.  Utterly unbelievable and devastating.  Total bullshit.  It feels so unfair for Reyna to loose her father - her rock she could always count on to selflessly be there for her without fail.  It’s unfair to be widowed TWICE  at only 43.  And it’s unfair that such a kind, silly and honorable man’s life is cut short in a time of some beautiful personal and spiritual growth. 

Why God?! Why?!?! 

I’m not good at memorizing scripture, so I’m sinking into lyrics from worship songs to remind me that God is good.  This is not good, but God is.  He will embrace me as I yell at Him and question Him.  

In this moment I write from a place of numbness and shock.     Sadly, I know what is to come, so I’ll allow the brief respite from gut punching realizations and heart wrenching pain.

We have been surrounded by support. I have not had to think of anything but being present here.  Aria is being loved on by many, taken to and from dance and out shopping for a distraction. All my friends see Reyna as my daughter and are caring for her as much as me.  

It’s a shitty deja vu for many of us.  My parents, Haley, Mary, David, Jess and Steve and so many others near and far - all falling back into their roles as they supported me through the loss of Brandon just under 12 years ago. 

As we navigate this unimaginable loss, please pray for peace beyond understanding, strength, endurance, and steadfast faith. 

I will continue to update on here as we navigate this awful reality.