A new chapter in life after loss

It has been some time since I've last updated and much has changed since then, so I'll just start there.

At the end of the summer my lupus got to a new level of difficult.  Back to back steroid treatments, steroid shots, maxxing out on numerous NSAIDS and I still was in excruciating chronic pain and fatigue.  My doctor recommended I start the next level of medications.  For the most part once one progresses to this next treatment level there is no going backwards again.  Some can find long term remission or medication managed lupus, but I have yet to go more then 6 months without needing to adjust treatment because of progression.

I was just not ready to go there yet, especially since there is a risk with these immunosuppressants for developing cancer, a door I just cannot easily open, especially since my mom did develop Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma as a result of her autoimmune disorders.

So, I requested and was granted a 3 month medical leave of absence from work to allow myself to attempt to recover from the past 5 years of stress and seek some alternative "Hail Mary" treatments and appointments as a last ditch effort before infusion treatments.

I started weekly acupuncture and a supplement called Mannatech my mom has been trying to get me on for years.  I was referred to a Neurologist, a Pulmenologist, a Dermatologist and seemingly all the other "ologist's" to get fresh eyes on my health.  Thankfully all checked out well and the Lupus has done no permanent damage, and my grab-bag of symptoms were solely flare related.

About 9 weeks into my leave of absence I started feeling relief and by the end of my 3 months I actually felt the best I've felt in years.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and what the next steps were and I came to the difficult realization that at this time, I just can not work full time and have lupus and be an active parent to a toddler.  Something had to change, and lupus and motherhood were not exactly negotiable.

So I considered resigning from job.  A choice that when laid out logically makes no sense whatsoever.  My position allowed me to work from home and had been incredibly supportive of the challenges I had faced in the past 5 years.  I had health insurance for Aria and I and relative job security as I was recently given an amazing opportunity to create and direct a new department.

But God.  He had a different plan for me.

When there is great risk and uncertainty in a choice and yet I have complete peace about the decision I am about to make - that's when I know I am following His direction for me.

And so I resigned from my job.

Something I never have done without having another job lined up.

And so starts the next chapter of my life.  I do not know what direction it will take me, just that I'm following it one day at a time.  So far God has made things just fall in place where they are needed.  My amazing boyfriend Karl has made it possible for me to take this leap of faith, I've been able to trade some child care with a friend so that we both have some kid-free time, and I've had the ability to really step into my role on the HeartLight Board of Directors and help in the preparations for our annual Gala and invest more time into the group of Young Widow(er)s that I facilitate.  I have even been able to take on a little interior design work on the side and after trying (and LOVING) a couple products - just became a consultant for Rodan + Fields.

I am grateful that in this moment I turn the pages of this new adventure with hope and anticipation, something I really didn't think would be possible again in life after loss.

2 Whole Years

At 12:15 today it was two years since Brandon passed away.  730 days. I can say that not a single day has passed that I have not thought of him. 

The reminders of his life come in many different forms. Be it a silver Jeep that passes by, seeing Haribo Gummie Bears in the checkout line, or a random toothpick I still find somewhere in the house - two years later.  These are the things I smile about. Little tokens that keep his memory alive in my heart. The things I tell Aria so she gets an opportunity to know about her father, especially those little quirks that make a person unique. 

I still can't believe that I have made it through these two years. My breath is often taken away as my Facebook timehop pops up in the morning.  The CaringBridge updates, photos and posts on my page transport me back in time.

Sometimes I get lost in reliving traumatic moments of those 3 months.  Last night after popping a handful of wheat thins in my mouth I was unexpectedly transported back to the hospice facility as images that cut like a knife flashed through my mind. At first I was taken aback by the memory, but I then realized that was the last time I had those crackers, which were a staple snack at the facility. It blows my mind that our senses can link us so deeply to events in our past.

These moments still happen often, but I recover from them quicker now. 

Most of the time when I am reminded of Brandon I smile warmly and sit in the moment, truly and deeply grateful for the time we had. But this perspective does not diminish the pain. It is still very much there, I just have more power over it-then it has over me now.

I think Brandon would be proud of where I am, two years later.  I surely couldn't imagine how I would survive, and for quite some time I honestly didn't want to. But I've found a place where I can carry him with me as I move forward.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  And I think that is exactly how Brandon would want me to live. 

2nd Heavenly Birthday

Yesterday was Brandon's birthday - he would have turned 35.

I have a hard time typing that.  The words "would have" just don't sit well with me.  As I pause and think through it (and thanks for participating in my stream of thought) I realize it's because I know his soul lives on. So the past tense tone of "would have" doesn't seem to fit.  His body would have turned 35, but to me, the soul is ageless.  So I guess I'll rephrase it to: Yesterday was Brandon's 35th birthday and his second birthday in Heaven, and I'll leave it at that.

Anyhow, I like to celebrate his life on his birthday.  Take time to gather, remember, and honor the man who touched so many in such a short time.

I spent most of the day in bed recovering from a camping trip over the weekend (thank you Lupus), but it gave me time to reflect, which is time typically hard to find these days.  As I picked Aria up from the babysitter and drove up Mount Lindo I listened to my special playlist that helps me to lean into my grief.  Sometimes the ability to compartmentalize is as difficult as it is beneficial.

I let the words of songs of loss sink deep into my heart and allowed myself to open that compartment and just feel.  I don't tend run from the feelings of my loss, I feel them for what they are and I let them serve their purpose.  They remind me of a life I am grateful I got to live and of a person I was blessed to have.  Then I put them back in their box until I need to go fetch them again, or until they find their way out on their own, released by an unexpected event or just because they needed to be felt.  I can't explain it much better then that, but it's how I've been able to cope and survive this and be who I need to be for Aria.


Our first activity planned for Brandon's annual celebration of life was to gather at the grave and release balloons to Heaven.  I had done everything I could to have his headstone (that took me a year and a half to be able to order) be placed by his birthday, but unfortunately it just didn't happen.  Hopefully it will be done soon - I'm anxious to see it.

Only half the room at dinner

Next we headed to Fox Hollow Golf Course, one of Brandon's most frequented driving ranges.  We met even more friends there to hit a few buckets of balls in his honor before heading in to The Den, Fox Hollow's restaurant, for dinner.  One of the items on the menu was a brisket burger that I know Brandon would have loved.  It was a burger topped with brisket, bacon and cheese.  Oh. My. Yumminess.  Seriously, if you are in the Lakewood area - you should go get this in your mouth.

Memories, laughter and tears were shared and we were all grateful to spend time together, united by our loss. It was a lovely evening and I am so thankful for everyone's presence.

I never got around to posting about last year's 1st Annual Celebration of Life, so I'll briefly share about that too.

Top Golf 2015

Last year we started at Top Golf and it happened to be opening weekend of the new facility.  Brandon was so looking forward to it finally coming to Colorado so we played in his honor.

Ring finger heart for Brandon

My friend and I dashed off to go get (tiny) tattoos, in which she had arranged to be done by the same tattoo artist that did Brandon's sleeve.


We then met a large group of friends and family at the park near our house for a chick-fil-a picnic and a lantern release at dusk.

We wrote messages to Brandon and sent them to Heaven, and some to nearby trees and fields.  A number of us chased after the misdirected lanterns trying to keep them from starting a fire and soon we were met by a couple fire trucks and firemen - which the kids thought was super cool!  Thankfully we were doing nothing illegal and they kindly told us to be careful and they were just doing their job of responding to a call.  However, it was enough to make the decision of doing balloons, not lanterns this year quite easy.

The lanterns with the cross of Mount Lindo in the background

I hope to continue honoring Brandon's life in years to come to keep his memory and legacy alive, and I am so grateful to have so many who want to continue to join me in doing so. 

Thank you for following our journey. 

That time of year...again

It's that time of year again. 

Everyone burdened by grief has certain trigger dates and seasons. For me it's the end of June thru the end of September, kicked off by Father's Day. 

This 2nd Father's Day was much different then the first. Last year Aria and I had a breakfast picnic at Mount Lindo (where Brandon is buried) and painted bird houses. I spent much of the day deep in grief and broken dreams.

This year Aria spent the morning with her Grandad Hayslip and when I picked her up had I planned to have our typical breakfast burrito picnic, but it already being in the 90's early in the day I put it off till later in the afternoon, but by the time it cooled down Mount Lindo was about to close for the evening. 

I felt awful for not making it to his grave on Father's Day and started coming down hard on myself.  But then I remembered the discussion Brandon and I had when we knew we needed to have "that talk". When I had to ask him the awful question of where he wanted his body to rest. His response:  "I don't care, I won't be there."

As I remember the moment tears come to my eyes. His sights were already on Heaven, he knew his body was simply that - a body, a vessel. He would not die with his body.

So as I let the guilt slip away I took comfort in the fact that Aria and I could walk to "our park", where I have memories with Brandon, and I can clearly see the cross of Mount Lindo.  There I'm reminded more of his life, not his death.

I tried to get Aria to sit  with me on "our bench" so we could have a precious moment together talking about daddy. But, of course she's a toddler and refused to sit still.

However while swinging we did have a sweet little chat.  I asked her if she knew where daddy was, and she responded; "Daddy's in Heaven."  I nodded and told her that he loves her just as much from Heaven, as tears slid down my cheeks.

"Mama sad?"
"Yes, mama's sad" I said with a small smile to let her know it's ok to be sad.
"Daddy sad?"  

"No baby, Daddy's not sad."
"Aria kiss it better?"
"Yes, that would be very nice." and I leaned over and let my (sometimes) sweet 2 year old kiss my tears.
"Mama all better?"
"Yes Aria, thank you."
"Daddy all better?"
"Yes, baby, Daddy is all better." I agreed, taking a moment to be thankful for his Heavenly healing.
"Mama happy?!  Mama swing?!"  And we laughed and swung away in the oddly empty park.

Later we enjoyed a delicious steak dinner with my boyfriend Karl and his daughter, honoring the amazing father that he is.

I never could have imagined this is how it all would have turned out, especially from last year to this year.  This whole 2nd year has been much different then the first.

I have returned to the land of the living, I exist in the present again-not the past, and I actually look towards the future without dread. I am lucky that I can even experience happiness and love again, all coexisting with my loss.

Time may have changed how I cope with that loss, but that pain is still there and I think it always will be because love does not die.  Yes, it hurt differently this year.  And I expect it to be different next year, and the years after that as life goes on and my grief transforms.  But I am ok with that, I'll just continue to try to "not cry because it's over, but smile because it happened".

HeartLight Gala

Last night I had the privilege of my story being honored at the annual HeartLight Gala Fundraiser.  It was a beautiful evening raising awareness and funding for a place so dear to my heart.  I was surrounded by some of my "village" and could not have asked for more.  Ok, well, to not need to be a part of anything for grief support would be nice, but these are the cards I have been dealt and I'm going to play them as best I can.  I am so grateful to the HeartLight center and what it has done for me in my journey of loss and grief.  I hope that in time many other HeartLight facilities will be available to serve as a warm place to take a broken heart all over Colorado and the nation.

If you feel lead to honor Brandon in a donation to the HeartLight Center you can do so here.

Forgive my video quality, I am far from technically gifted....that was Brandon's forte...