Hometown Glory!

I wanted to take a moment to write about the amazing benefit that my hometown friends organized for me this past Friday.


When I was told that there were a few people that wanted to do a fundraiser for Aria and I, I assumed that it would be maybe an online thing that would get forwarded around.


But oh how wrong I was!


My goodness, they rented a hall and had a team of 15-20 local friends organizing the event with spreadsheets & planning meetings.


Many individuals donated time, money, raffle gifts and services. Then local businesses, small and large, donated services, products and raffle gifts.


There was a WALL of food and beverages. Then there were T-Shirts for sale, music, product consultant tables, craft tables, balloon animals and face painting for kids and a caricature artist. There were probably nearly 50 items being raffled off; artwork, a Kindle Fire, full NYC weekend getaway package, baskets with hundreds of dollars of swag, sports tickets, cosmetics...you name it, it probably was there! Then additional games and activities.


Hundreds of people were in attendance. I was truly amazed not only by the support from my fellow classmates, but also from their families, friends and coworkers and from the local community.


It was wonderful seeing so many people I have not seen in so long. This definitely can show the positive side of social media. It was strangely awesome to not have actually spoken to some people in 13 years, but because I was let into their online life, I knew of their children and jobs and were able to pop right into easy conversation.


Quite a few people snagged me and introduced themselves and offered me their condolences as I dashed from here to there to try to chat with as many people as I could. Thank you to those who I met, and I'm so sorry if I didn't get to personally speak with each and every one of you!


Unfortunately, it was all a bit overwhelming for Aria and she would not let anyone hold her but me, so I definitely had some sore shoulders after that! But she hung in there, that was a lot of activity for her little baby eyes and ears.


While we were in the Nursing Facility Brandon had said, 'I have never felt so loved by so many people.' I wish I knew what words he would have to top that statement if he had been able to see the outcome of Friday's event too.


I don't know how much or if any of our earthly doings our loved ones are aware of in Heaven. I believe they longingly and with excitement anticipate our arrival to join them. We are not forgotten just because we remain on the other side of Heaven. So I like to think that God allows those that precede us to know of the blessings we receive, and how He is providing for us until we are reunited. If so, I can't even imagine the tears of joy Brandon shed knowing of such amazing community support and love shown to Aria and I, as he lived in the area for 8 years himself.


I know I am missing other very noteworthy details about Friday that I am going to kick myself for not mentioning. Forgive me, I am exhausted. :)


But once again, THANK YOU to everyone who came, donated and contributed. A HUGE thank you to the lovely group of ladies (and many of their men too!) that sacrificed so much of their time and efforts to make that evening such a huge success, bringing in about $8,000 that I am putting towards Aria's future, (as long as I can cover the medical bills otherwise).


And to top it off, they want to do it again next year! How blessed am I?!?!

This is Grief

A lot of my posts I wait to write until I am seeing things more optimistically or I have been inspired or am feeling lifted up.


I don't know what I am about to write, God just put it on my heart to write as I a sit in 'darkness' this time.


Many days I try to just focus on the fact that many people have told me how our story has impacted their lives. Inspired their marriage. Redefined their faith. This uplifts me in indescribable ways. It makes me feel there is purpose to this suffering.


If we get to walk this earth and effect the life of just one person, pointing them towards God, then in my eyes we have accomplished the meaning of life. If we get the chance to be used by God to touch many more, then we truly are blessed.


I have spent most of my days this past month since Brandon has been gone focusing on Heaven. Reading scripture and stories, imagining what Brandon is seeing and doing. Consuming my thoughts with his joy, not my pain. Knowing that he is eagerly anticipating my arrival someday.


With a daughter to raise on my own, I have been trying so incredibly hard to find joy in the day amid the emptiness in my heart. Find more 'sweet' in every bittersweet moment. Show her laughter and smiles, and interact with her when all I want to do is sleep the days away in a dreamless slumber.


But no matter how hard you try, there are just days that none of it works. Days that you can't wait til the sun has set and you can count yet another day behind you, and one closer to that glorious reunion. Days that thoughts of Heaven only magnify the misery of this life. Days that no words of encouragement can penetrate the cloud of depression and fear that has clung to your innermost being.


Today was one of those days. For no reason at all. It isn't an anniversary or holiday. Nothing in particular 'set me off'. It's just another day without my husband.


So, I'll remind myself that every day His mercies are new, and hope that tomorrow I'll better receive His blessings.


This is grief.

A note from myself

As I lay in bed, unable to sleep I decided to poke through my notes and delete old grocery lists and to-do lists.


I came across this note from January 10th, the beginning of my second trimester:


"Tonight I was absently thinking about the new chapter that lies ahead of Brandon and I. Lord willing, one kiddo in July and hopefully another in a few years. My mind trailed off to this dream future I was imagining, then all of the sudden I was hit with the dreadful thought of 'reality'. My mind spun off to all the 'what if's': What if Cancer comes back? What would that look like with a child? What if I am a single mother? What if my Mom's cancer progresses soon? What if my lupus gets worse and I can't care for my family? What if it all happens at once?


I started to panic and wonder if this desire to start a family was foolish b/c all of this is very possible. Why would I dare to dream of that life?


And all the sudden I just felt this wave of calm come over me and I realized that if I lived in that fear until the day that any or all of it happens, I would be robbing myself of the joy in today. Yes, we need to be aware of the reality of our situations, but it does us no good to live in that and steal the opportunity for us to be hopeful of the possibilities in our lives. God will provide and He has a plan, no matter how much I worry now.


I have enjoyed dreaming of our future and how I hope it looks."


Wow - that one took my breath away. It's funny how your own words can minister to your heart sometimes. God gave me that wave of calm and the thought to jot it down at 1:52 am on January 10th, probably knowing that not too far off I would need this reminder of His love. I needed that tonight and wanted to share, maybe someone else needs that reminder right now too.

Decisions...decisions

Well, reality is starting to set in. As I take baby steps towards my new path in life, I realize more and more how difficult this journey is going to be.


I keep praying 'God, I just don't want to. I'm sorry, but I don't. You have gotten me this far, and I have to trust that you will allow the pieces to come together to help me through this next part. Help me to believe when the fear and pain are too much and I start to doubt.'


I still need to do a post about God's perfect timing, it's just going to take me some time to write that one. Time that I have not had.


But because He had aligned so many things to meet my needs in such a perfect way in all this mess, though I get scared and doubt because I can not see how, I still have faith that He will continue provide for me.


Please pray that God gives me much wisdom and guidance with many difficult decisions I will have to make. I ask that you specifically pray for my living situation as those decisions are some of the first that need to be addressed.


Do I look for a roommate? What does that look like with an infant? Who would want to come into this situation? Do I need to sell our home? Can I even take care of a single family house with an infant? These are just the beginnings of the questions that are spinning in my mind.


Despite these questions I have to say that I am incredibly grateful to the generosity of so many people to the fundraisers for us. Because of you I don't have to rush this major decision, and have some resources to bridge the gap of a single income for a couple of months as I put the pieces of my life back together. I am trusting God implicitly to provide for this, deliver me the right person or situation, as I am pretty confident I can not afford it on my own. But, truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the peace of mind that I don't have to settle for whatever immediate resolution I could find and take time to pray and wait for God.


I apologize if this post is scatterbrained, been trying to get the prayer request out there for days now.


Thank you for your prayers for wisdom, guidance and mercy for me. ♥️

How to 'be' around me

'I don't know what to say or do' is what I have heard often. Honestly, neither do I. This is completely foreign to us both then.


I have tried to put myself in your shoes. Yup, it would suck to be you around me too. Probably feels like walking on egg shells, afraid to say the wrong thing, bring up the wrong topic, wondering if it's ok to laugh?


So I thought I would just share my thoughts at this stage of grief. I hear it changes often as you get through the 'phases'. Maybe they are unique to me, or maybe I can be a voice for others too. I don't know.


So, I'll start off what what NOT to say or do:


-Please don't use harsh terms like: dead, dying, grave and such. I can't handle them yet. Passed away, resting place...these are softer words on open wounds.


-Please don't tell me how difficult this is for you. I don't have the strength to comfort you right now. Share with me your hurt and sadness, but at the same time please recognize that there are few others who will experience the same level of loss as I am experiencing in Brandon's passing. I need to cry with you, but not be your shoulder to cry on yet.


-Don't worry too much. I put my foot in my mouth more then anyone I know, so if you feel you may have 'offended' me or said something stupid, oh well, you're human. This is hard for all of us. I don't expect perfection. It's the blatantly oblivious and habitually ignorant ones that hurt.


-When I am crying or very upset (and I realize this is more unique to me), please don't hug me. A quick squeeze of my hand, pat on the shoulder, or short acknowledgement of my hurt is all I can take. Just sit with me, hand me a tissue or cry with me. I know it may be awkward for you, I truly am sorry, it's not my intention, but I'm just not a hugger when I'm upset.


-When I tear up, which is often, and at the strangest things, don't ask me if I'm ok. I'm not. Someday I will be, but it's not going to be anytime soon. Again, just sit with me, hand me a tissue or tear up with me. I may share what got me all salty or I may just keep it to myself.



What TO do or say around me:

-Just try to be yourself. You are in my life because I love you, and I know your heart, and I know this sucks for all of us. Especially for those willing to be around me, a shadow of who I used to be, at such a crappy time.


-Tell me what's going on in your life; the good, bad and ugly, but just be sensitive to what is going on in mine. Please use perspective when discussing the trials you are facing. If you had just lost your other half, and are now facing single mother and widowhood at 31, would you want to hear the term 'My life is so hard right now' about things not quite as finite as death? I'll be honest and say I have thought many times 'I wish that was my problem.' By no means do I want our friendship to become a one way road, but for a period of time I may be moving slowly with hazard lights on. I do acknowledge what you are struggling with as real and difficult, but please just consider sharing it with me in an empathetic way.


-Don't be afraid to laugh and joke around. I need distraction from grief. Brandon would never want me wallowing and refusing to find some joy within loss.


-Forgive me if I am absentminded or not focused. My head is still spinning, my world has just crashed down, and the person who stabilized me is gone. It takes an amazing level of brain power to make myself do anything, then add being a new mother to it all. I am in the ultimate survival mode. And it breaks my heart when I realize I forgot to ask how so-and-so is recovering or how that event turned out. You know I care very much, and I hate feeling self-centered and out of touch with what is going on in my friend's lives. It is still very important to me.


-Go ahead and make some decisions for me. And if you don't know, ask someone close to me if they think this or that would be helpful. I can't decide if I am able to shower today or not, so my head spins when faced with decisions. I have accepted so much help and I feel like I am a burden and inconveniencing everyone at this point. If it's on your heart to 'do' something (within reason) :) , go for it. I thank you.


-When in doubt, just ask flat out. You know I'm a very direct and honest person (to a fault sometimes!), so just ask. I'll tell you the truth, and hopefully with grace. :)


We will get through this together.


I hope this does not come off as anything but an expression of honesty with the intention of helping you help me, as many have voiced a desire to know how to do. And this may change, and when it does you know I'll be sure to let you know! Brandon always loved that he didn't have to read between the lines with me. :)


Thank you for taking this journey with me, and extending me such love, support and grace as I navigate my new normal.