Hope and Hopelesness

I wanted to share this devotional that someone reminded me of in a guest book post. (Thank you!)


http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/04/when-all-means-fail.html?m=1 />


If I remember correct, this was the devotional posted the day before Brandon's grandfather passed away in a tragic car accident. This was also in the middle of our first battle with cancer.


I keep praying that God will allow me to rest in this truth when things get more difficult ahead.


It's hard to imagine things getting harder then they are now. But it will. The ache is not complete yet. I can still look into his eyes, hear him weakly call me sweetie, see him smile when he sees Aria. I'm scared of how deeply it will hurt to only have memories of all of that. We did all of life together. We work together, live together, and yet still enjoy all our time together. We rarely fight. We take on each other's interests with joy. We have always looked at it that HE doesn't have cancer, WE have cancer. WE have lupus. We are a team. And as hard as it is to watch the person you love the most suffering like this, I know it's going to be much harder on the other side.


I still have hope now. I still have my husband. I still have my little family we dreamed of and prayed for. I guess I'll have to find new hope on the other side to get through the days. Right now it feels like my hope will be to just make it through the heartache of each day.


I will do my best to cling to that devotional.


I pray that if you too are in the valley of suffering and if you are reaching hopelessness that it speaks to your heart too.

Faciltiy - Day 3

This is gonna be a quick post cause I'm tired, but I wanted to share a couple bright spots in the past couple days.


But first, I want to thank you so much for prayers that we make memories and have precious moments in this journey of such sorrow.


Like I've said before, Brandon's tender heart continues to shine. He is gracious to the nurses and all of us who are helping him, always saying 'Thank you for taking such good care of me'.


Since getting more continuous meds the past few days we've gotten to even have quite a few laughs with him.


Today he was joking with my dad about how golf would be a terrible sport for him to play with his lack of patience. And yesterday he could see my dad holding Aria in the other room and said, 'Your dad is so good with kids.' HA! This is funny if you know my dad was called Uncle Grouch by my cousins, so that made us laugh. However, he is better with kids then he would admit to. :)


Brandon pokes fun at us whenever he can, and when his energy is limited and words can be few, it makes us smile to still experience his spirit.

The brightest part of my day though was when we dressed Aria up in a cute jacket, hat and boots that Bonnie got her. (See pic). I held her up for Brandon to see and his face just lit up and he smiled from ear to ear. I haven't seen him smile like that in quite a while now, and I just loved seeing his love for his daughter. He kept saying, 'She is just too adorable.' She is the light of his life, not even I have been able to get a smile like that from him!


Not quite sure how to close up this post other then by saying thank you for your continued prayers. I continue to be humbled by the support and generosity of so many.

Facility - Day 1

We arrived at the skilled nursing facility today. It is very nice. The room is 'L' shaped and they kindly set us up with two beds in one room and a love seat, recliner, table, chairs and mini fridge in the other. It looks like a hotel in here, much more then a nursing facility. They even have a beautiful fresh flower arrangement, one I can actually enjoy without the fear of our cat eating the flowers and getting sick from.


I've claimed my spot where I can recline comfortably in the sitting area and see Brandon resting in the other room. We have worship music playing as I sit and wait for David and Mary to bring Aria.


My parents arrived last night and will be primarily watching Aria overnight while I am here. Hopefully she will continue to sleep through the night for my mom!


It's nice to be here and have the weight of care taking removed. I can just be his wife now. Hold his hand, tell him how much I love him.


This morning was very difficult. I realized that last night was the last time Brandon and I would sleep in our house together. That was incredibly hard.


It's silly how I still hope for a miracle. My mind thinks, well it would have to be one hell of a miracle at this point. Then I correct myself, nothing is too big for God to fix.


Please continue to pray for a miracle. A miracle of earthly healing to which only God can be given the Glory. That no doctor can explain.


Please also pray for my Lupus, it has shown some signs of awakening a bit. Probably the stress and lack of sleep. Hopefully I can increase some meds safely while nursing and keep it from flaring.


Thank you again for your prayers a a following our journey, and I'll do my best to keep you all updated.

The next steps

I don't quite know what to update with right now. To be honest this part is like the worst Groundhog Day ever. You wake up in the morning and have to come to terms with reality all over again, feeling utterly helpless as your heart is being ripped out of your chest and fear and sadness take weight on your shoulders.


The hospital bed is in the living room. Myself, David, David's girlfriend Mary, and cousin Matt have been camped out here with Brandon every night, waking every hour or two to tend to him as needed. Aria, my precious baby, continues to sleep through the night in her nursery. A real blessing from God.


Brandon is getting weaker and is resting most of the day, only drinking every now and then. We should be getting admitted to a skilled nursing facility tomorrow morning. Roger and David went to check out a couple places yesterday that have a private room available, which is a high priority to us with the baby and having privacy to grieve as we need. Unfortunately, nothing close by was available, so we will be going back and forth to Greenwood Village/DTC. But the facility is being very generous and allowing us to have a shared room all to ourselves, so it has two 'rooms' and a bathroom, so I can go nurse and rest in some privacy while other family members sit with Brandon. He truly has not been alone in this since the chemo treatment on July 14th. We can bring in a small fridge and microwave and air mattress so I can more or less move in for the remaining time, but Aria can not stay overnight, so that is going to be hard.


We have had some precious moments within this. Last night Brandon weakly said 'I have never felt so loved by so many people.' And this morning I quietly answered a phone call from my dad and Brandon woke, asking if they were coming out, and when I told him they were arriving tonight he said, 'That's so nice of them. I love your parents, they're so good to me.'


You never imagine having the ability to withstand something like this. If three months ago you told me I would be watching my husband go through this, not taking walks in the neighborhood with our new baby as we dreamed, I could not have fathomed how I would be able to do it. How do you handle the words 'inoperable tumor'? Then 'kidney failure'? Then 'nothing we can do?' Then 'hospice'? All regarding your 33 year old husband, and new father. But you handle it, one day at a time. Really, one breath at a time.


As I get overwhelmed with fear of being a single new mother and widow, grieving intensely and struggling with Lupus - I truly can't imagine how I'm going to do it. But, I couldn't have imagined doing this now - and somehow I am. God's grace is bigger then this and He is holding me up. I have to trust in His perfect plan. I know Brandon soon will see why, and understand, and it will be so beautiful. I know as he stands there before God he will hear "Well done my good and faithful servant" and it will all make sense. No more suffering, no more pain.


I try to remain there. In the relief Brandon will have, and the faith that God promises that He does all things for our good. Our eternal good, not our worldly good. And ultimately, if I am being used by God through suffering I know He is refining me for His purpose. But right now it doesn't make it hurt less. It just gives me the shred of hope I need to make it through this day and remain steady in faith.


Please continue to pray for Brandon's comfort. And we all need a lot of strength and peace.

Home Hospice

What a week it's been. I can't even put into words how overwhelming it is to be the primary caretaker of my husband and an infant. God's grace is the only thing getting me through right now. I have no option to fall apart.

Thankfully He has blessed us with an amazing baby. She has been sleeping through the night in her nursery already, at 2 months old.

The other night 9news did a little story on us. They did a wonderful job. Here is the link:

http://www.9news.com/story/news/local/2014/09/02/dying-father-wants-to-help-family/14994123/ />

Brandon also got an encouraging note from Jason Dufner, a pro golfer. That made Brandon so happy!

I can't remember if I had mentioned the video Tim Tebow sent Brandon too? So honored! http://vimeo.com/m/104636939 Password: secnation

Close friends and family have been in and out constantly, taking care of us. I am so utterly taken aback by all the support we have felt. Saying thank you can not even begin to express how we feel. For every kindness extended to us, I intend to pay it forward in the future. This experience will surely refine my abilities of helping others through the cancer fund in the future, Lord willing.

Brandon is hanging in there. His tender spirit is shining bright in this darkness. He is so gracious and kind, even in the midst of this mess. He truly is my hero and an amazing inspiration.

Many people have asked about visiting and unfortunately at this time we have to limit it mostly to family. Brandon is very weak and unable to visit much without it taking a toll on him.

I want to write more, but I've been trying to get this out for 3 days now, and if I don't post now - who knows how many more days it will be.

Thank you for your continued prayers for us all. We need them and are feeling them. This is the most difficult thing I have ever faced, and I know that it is only going to get worse before it gets better. I keep repeating 'One day at a time'.

Please pray for comfort and God's mercy on Brandon, and continued strength and endurance for us all. Currently 4 of us have been camped out in the living room, all caring for Brandon and each other as best we can.

And of course...prayers for miraculous healing.

On Wednesday a package arrived, a gift for me from Brandon. I had always harassed him about wanting a second band to go on the other side of my engagement ring. I like things symmetrical. So the plan was to get me one on our 5 year anniversary, however we were fighting cancer the first time then and did not have the finances. So we said when we start a family, that will complete it; engagement, marriage and family. That thought had been completely lost in all the chaos, until the other day when Brandon contacted my parents to see if they could help him get the band from my dad's jeweler, Carroll's Jewelers in Doylestown, where we got our wedding bands. Not only did they generously gift us the band, but also engraved Aria's name and birthdate and rushed it in the mail to us, so Brandon could give it to me. My dad was there the second they opened the next day to help make it happen. It's such a special gift that I will treasure forever, and something that I know will be passed on to Aria some day. I am so grateful for their kindness and generosity to us.